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Special Needs – Full Movie

Special Needs – Full Movie


[music playing] THEME SONG: Handicaps. Handicaps. Handicaps. Handicaps. Handicaps. It’s your time to shine. Handicaps. Don’t get left behind. Handicaps. Let me take you there. Handicaps. Let me push your chair. Hey there! How are you? -Hi.
-How have you been? Good! How was your trip? Wonderful. It was long, but
it was wonderful. [cat meows]
-Oh. Cali! Oh my god! You’re so cute! Take this. And this. Oh my god, Cali! My name is Warren Piece. And a lot of people think
that’s spelled P-E-A-C-E. But it’s actually
spelled P-I-E-C-E, as in a piece of something. And I also get, gee, that
sounds like the Tolstoyev Novel. Did you make that up? And I’m like, no. I knew him way before
he was Warren Piece. In fact, I knew him
when he was Jean Cocoa. Oh cutie! You’re so cute in
your little hoodie! You like it? And I told him, if you
want to be a headliner, you gotta dye your
hair blonde, get the mole off your fucking
face, and cap your teeth. And I think my name
really suits me, because there is
war in everyone, but there’s also inner peace. And if we can learn to harness
that, anything is possible. For example, My wildly
successful career. [inaudible] [cat screeches] Ah! Ah! [inaudible] Oh my god! Oh! Uh. Well, there’s a new addition
to the Warren Piece circle of love, and his name is Cali. Cali is what they call
a deli cat– basically a cat that lives out its
whole life inside of a deli catching mice. But when a deli cat
gets to a certain age, can’t catch mice anymore. So I started the
citywide program here in New York called
“Adopt a Deli Cat,” so wonderful cats
can have homes. Aren’t you happy? You’re happy. [cat screeches] So many people
spend all their time, concentrate on the nasty,
dirty, stinky things in life. I mean, I call them
“Bad News Bears.” You gotta be positive. You gotta think positive. And you know what? Guess what, positive things
are going to happen for you. I’m living proof. At least he did his hair. But it took the
fuck long enough. WARREN: Well, I guess
I am a celebrity. But you know, it’s not just me. It’s my production crew. They are absolutely marvelous. Laura is a gem. I have known her for years. I’d to see all the headshots. Can you pass them up please? Chris? This headshot is
a piece of crap. I’m a casting director. These fresh-faced
kids come in and think they’re going to just
get picked out of a crowd and made into a star. I mean, that was
the case with me because I’m
exceptionally talented. She was doing film, TV,
and personal appearances. I’d made her a star,
and she gave it all up. For what? Can you tell me? For fucking Malimars! I’m not impressed
with this headshot. It’s a piece of crap. It’s shit. You’re wasting your
time, and mine. Roseanne, little bit
of a confusion here. In this headshot,
you have long hair. You look like a man now. Get a new headshot,
and perhaps get a wig. Where did you get
this headshot taken? Sam Johnson. Is this a joke? Because it’s not
a very funny one. I don’t put on any gloves,
because nobody did with me. I was in line to be
the next Julia Roberts, and it didn’t happen. But she never wanted
to get her teeth capped. The fucking whore. LAURA: Every one of you
had a crappy headshot. They were all shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit. But guess what, you’re in luck. For a mere $600, you can
get these done right. Call up Bernie and tell him
that Laura Wilcox sent you. I get paid to do
these workshops. But at the end of the day, these
kids get a dose of reality, and, uh, it makes me feel good. David is our
pillar of strength. I like to compare him to Atlas. He’s the big daddy holding the
whole weight of the production on his shoulders. I have an extensive
background in corrections. Aside from my
military experience, I worked in one of the
country’s larger penitentiaries. He’s the coach, and
I’m the cheerleader. DAVID: Overseeing prisoner
escort, visitor screening, surveillance, and some
rehabilitative counseling, so I’m no stranger
to discipline. WARREN: Laura and David
were the first people I called when I got
back to New York, because I had to tell
them that tomorrow we’re going to be pitching
my new idea to CNT Network. But this won’t be the first
time we work with CNT. We actually single-handedly
founded Reality Wednesdays. The first show was
called “Prospectors.” And you see, I was
thinking one day, like, what is the
world’s worst job? And then it hit me. Put 12 contestants
underground for 12 weeks, and make them dig for gold! We couldn’t,
obviously, have camera operators in all the tunnels. So we soldered a titanium rod
on the back of a miner’s helmet, and then we found these
wireless spy cameras with night vision, which we attached. The problem was the helmets
were now too top heavy, so we affixed a lead mesh
to the back perimeter. It looked like a Japanese
samurai helmet, or [japanese]. They were really heavy. But in my experience,
there are very few things a person won’t wear for a shot
at $500,000 in gold bullion. WARREN: Second grand slam. I was in Sedona, Arizona
on a soul journey. And you see, in Sedona,
there are these energies, and they’re called vortexes. Now, I don’t exactly
know what a vortex is, but I know that
it’s a good thing. So I was on a foothill,
hiking, praying. I looked up to the hillside,
and I saw a silhouette. And that was the first time
I made contact with him. Mahican, the great red wolf. I’ve done a lot of
research on the subject, and to the best of
my knowledge, there are no red wolves in Sedona. In fact, they’re extinct. The show was called
“Leader of the Pack.” Tribal beats, didgeridoo. 12 contestants must survive for
12 weeks in a pack of wolves. Basically, they were
doing it doggy style. JOSH: All the contestants
were shot from afar, and they had no idea
they were being filmed until we would bring
them into our tent circle for confessionals. One of my favorite moments
was when Amber, the slut type, hooked up with Wapo, the
biggest wolf in the pack. We got some great footage. But unfortunately, our
sponsors weren’t so keen on the bestiality angle. So we had to make it look
like they were “just friends.” When I watch TV, I
want to be engaged, and I want to be informed. I want to be riveted
to every second because I truly have no idea
of what’s going to happen next. That is why I am so stoked
about this new project. Magic. Richie Goldman, great
to meet you guys. Great to meet you. Hey, all right. WARREN: Today’s the
day that I sell it. It’s all about grabbing
their interest. Warren said he’d
be here by 10:00. I wonder where he is. So it’s important that
I make a big splash. [phone rings] Oh. That’s probably him. Hola. WARREN (ON PHONE):
Hey everybody. It’s Warren. Warren, it’s great
to hear from you, bro. WARREN (ON PHONE):
Shut the fuck up! Reality TV– Where have we been? Where are we going? What is to be done? We’ve seen it all, from
singers to bachelors, from average Joes
to supermodels. So I guess the
question is, (SINGING) where do we go from here? Have we stretched
subject matter so thin that there’s only a
g-string left almost fully consumed by the
massive butt cheeks of America’s waning interest. Is reality TV over? Well, not while Warren
Piece is alive and kicking! DAVID: What the fuck? WARREN: The contestants
are all deformed, deranged, psychotic, retarded,
paraplegic, quadriplegic, wheelchair-ridden. And they live together,
under the same roof, and battle it out in front
of a panel of three judges to win the most amazing
prize of a lifetime. Ladies and gentlemen, I
present to you my most electrifying idea to date. Behold, “Handicaps.” [applause] WARREN: Richie
Goldman is new to CNT, and he was picked because he’s
hip, he’s hot, he’s fresh, he’s happening– he’s
everything we need. “Handicaps” is what
America needs right now. The way I see it is we’ve
got people sitting at home feeling sorry for themselves. Woe is me, my job is whack. Woe is me, I– I got no
bling bling in my earring. I’ve got no ice. Just because you’re missing
a limb or in a wheelchair or deformed doesn’t give you
the right to just walk or roll into an audition unprepared. They’re going to
turn on this show and they’re going to see
these people, actual freaks, making it happen. You think FDR was begging for
sympathy because of his polio? No! He hid his handicap. This is the kind of attitude
that our country was built on. Get up off your broke ass,
roll out of your busted crib, and make something of
yourself, and get in line with the American dream thing. Make some cheese. Ms. Wilcox? Please call me Laura. You’re making me
feel like an old bag. OK, Laura. I just wanted to tell you
I love all of your work. “Ms. Hazelton” was one
of my favorite films, and the reality stuff is
amazing– “Leader of the Pack,” “Dead on Wednesday.” Have a seat. What’s your name? Natalie. LAURA (VOICEOVER): I love it
when I can be a positive role model to these young girls. The world needs
more strong females, females like Nancy Reagan,
Margaret Thatcher, Janet Reno. Natalie! Yes Laura? I’m in here! What happened? Shut up. What’s the matter? What– what are you doing? Shut the fuck up! Get in!
NATALIE: No! LAURA: Get in!
-No! No–
-Get in! I don’t want to go in! No! Look at me. Look at my face. Do I look like some kind
of fat clown you can just fuck in the ass at will? No, Ms. Laura. I want you to taste this. I want you to taste
this you bitch! Ah! Laura. -It’s not skim!
-Laura! It’s not–
-Laura! skim! It’s– Laura! – –not skim!
-Come on. Skim milk! It’s not skim milk! It’s not skim milk! It’s not skim milk! Skim milk [inaudible]. Skim milk!
-Stop it! Skim milk! Stop it! Stop it! Milk! It’s tough love, but they’ve got
to see the way the world works. They’ve got to
swallow the big pills. Are you OK? I’m calm. You’re sure? I’m calm. I’m calm. I’m calm. Ah, Jesus! We all learn
through experience. I’m so sorry Laura. Here’s your coffee. She’s new here. But it makes me
feel good to share some knowledge when I can. I always keep some of
this in my bag in case I burn my hand on some lighting
equipment or something. That fucking cunt! I hate that stupid bitch! Yeah, she’s pretty intense
about the diet thing. Oh yeah, but now she’s fucking
stuffing her face with donuts. I mean, who does that? Who attacks someone
over skim milk? Some vegans do. [clapping] I hate to break
up the party, kids, but Laura needs us to
run a search on the show title “Handicaps,” there’s
a maintenance problem in the men’s
restroom, and someone has to make a drug store run. Warren needs baby food,
apple sweet potato. Last time someone got
him peas and carrots, and he was not a happy camper! My name is Ken, and this is my
third Warren Piece production. I’m the line producer,
so I’m basically involved in the physical
aspects of making a TV program. Three skim lattes,
double quick! I’m the hands-on person on
behalf of the management. I put creative ideas in motion. Did I not say latte? Dumb ass. Well I’m in charge of
the crew and overseeing the day-to-day operations
of the production. Well chop chop! Let’s get going! Douche. Having a good rapport
with the PAs is essential. And quite frankly, it
comes naturally to me. What a wanker. Well, we’re in the
pre-production phase, so I’m only in charge of two
office PAs, Josh and Natalie. Well, I moved to New York about
three months ago from London, and I’m trying to
make it in the movies. Well, my main function as a
PA is getting shit on 24/7. I was doing a lot of
extra and background work, but someone told me I
could get played out doing too much of that stuff. So that’s when I started working
behind the scenes on this show. Occasionally, I
lift heavy objects. Came to New York
about seven years ago. I initially went to
Pratt for design. I enjoyed carpentry, you
know, working with my hands. But, uh, woodworking
wasn’t paying the bills. So then, about four
years ago, I started writing about my
woodworking experiences, and I actually came
up with an idea for a movie– “Woodworkers.” Well, to be honest,
the pay’s really crap. But I have met a few
people, except most of them just want to shag. I’ve really never met anyone
on a set who was worth a crap. I told a lot of people about
the “Woodworkers” concept, but I think they’re just too
moronic to understand it. So recently, I just
said, fuck “Woodworkers.” I just feel that it
increases my exposure for now. I mean, you never know. I might just get spotted
by the next big director and land myself a huge part. I just try and keep the faith. Well I might start
writing again. I– I just had a thought
the other day– “Craftsman.” I love this job. It gives me everything I
need, and I get to work with the most amazing people. I mean, Warren is like a god. The talent, the
foresight, the looks, I’m just here to take
it all in and hope that some of that
stardust comes off on me. OK. Let’s start at the beginning. The name. “Handicaps”? You thought of
that as the name? Yes. I saw that as the name. Warren is temperamental,
to say the least. Do you think that
maybe some people might find the word “handicap”
to have a negative connotation? I think Richie
might have a point. If I were in a
wheelchair, or a veteran– David, I don’t
think veterans are our target audience right now. I just think it’s mean. “Handicap” is a PC term. I mean, it’s not like
we’re calling the show “Retards” or something. He’s getting all hot under
the collar about veterans. I mean, who cares
about veterans? “Ready, Willing, Disabled.” Hate it! “Down with the Downs.” “Home with the Downs.” Now you see, that
gets the alliteration. That makes it work. Shit. Total. “Special People”
or “Special Folks.” I guess that’s
sort of positive. LAURA: In a patronizing, there’s
something wrong with you, NAACP kind of way! Hold up. Now, I don’t like where
this is going at all. You know, I respect
his creative ideas. But my number one job is
to protect the network. Can we just agree
on “Handicaps,” unless someone comes
up with something brilliant within
the next 30 seconds? Because I’ve got a
large, no whip, skim, white mocha downstairs with
Warren written all over it. “Freaking Out.” OK. “Handicaps” it is. WARREN: These battles
are hard fought. What can I say? The weak shall fall, and
the strong stand tall. Warren’s last show, “Dead on
Wednesday,” cost CNT millions. I cannot allow for
that to happen again. If we water this show
down, it’s going to be crap. And Warren Piece
doesn’t do crap. OK, Concept. [tone] Hello? Hello? Mayday. Mayday. Wake up call. Hello? Yeah, Warren? Listen, I need you to
go down to the drugstore and pick up some thick
magic markers, double quick. OK? Sure. And while you’re down
there, please pick up three grande skim no
whip white mochas. You want one? Sure.
Why not. OK. Make that four grande
skim no whip white mochas. I want whip on mine. OK. Make it one with whip. Do you read me? [farts] Loud and clear. [tone] Hey, Natalie? Yeah, Josh? You want to get four
grande white skim mochas, one with whip, the rest
without, for Captain Bunghole? With pleasure. Lattes! You guys are going
to love these. LAURA: Wait a minute! Stay right there. Everyone taste your coffee. This one has a history
of skim mix ups. All right. You’re dismissed. I told you these
things were the bomb. We need to focus. I’m bored. Well, I knew that they were
restless and uninspired. So I thought to myself, what
can I do to get them out of here yet keep the creative
wheels in motion? And then it came to me. Take the gang to Coney
Island to see the freak show. What happened? They went to Coney Island. Well, are they coming back? I don’t know. They took the ass licker
with them, though. What, Ken? So what should we do now? I’ve got an idea. I bought some rolling papers
at the bodega on my way back from the drugstore. We had so much fun. Not only did we
have the opportunity to do loads of research, but
we also had a chance to come together again as a group. You put laxative
in their lattes? Damn right I did! Laxa-lattes. That’s the most brilliant
thing I think I’ve ever heard. You’re a genius! I want them to
shit, shit, and shit until their little
pink assholes are raw. What the fuck! So were you guys inspired? Yeah. We saw a lot of things. Just not feeling
that great right now. Can we just not talk about this? That’s a good idea. Yeah. I guess we’ll have a lot of
time to talk about it tomorrow. “Handicaps,” concept. What, so– so the show’s
about handicap people? I think what they’re trying
to do is to create a show that exploits handicapped
people, giving the audience a voyeuristic thrill, showing
every intricate detail of their daily lives. But then they make the audience
feel less guilty by giving the handicaps some kind
of prize that makes their life better at the end. What, like
motorized wheelchairs or– or seeing-eye dogs? Exactly. What, and they’d all live
in a house together with, with cameras taping
their every move? I’ve got an idea. We could attach a tiny
camcorder to the tops of all the wheelchairs to show
the contestants interacting with each other
without cameramen following them around to make
them feel self-conscious. I know. We can call it “Handicam.” “Handicam.” I’m really feeling like shit. There’s a rest stop
up ahead pretty soon. How about the competition? It could be like
a variety show. Every handicap would
have a different talent, and they would compete
against each other in a biweekly competition. And then you could have
the audience call in and vote for their
favorite handicap. After the celebrity judges
cast their ever so degrading and leading opinions, of course. That’s another thing, Josh. I mean, can you
imagine how degrading it’s going to be to see–
to see actual handicaps getting torn down by judges? They’ve done it
for everybody else. It’s about time they
did it with handicaps. I’m really sick. [farting] WARREN: Stop the car! Stop the car! Stop the fucking car! [brakes screeching] Looks like we got
ourselves a show. It’s legendary. We make a pretty good team. I know. All right. It’s almost 6:00. We should probably get out
of here before they get back. Do you want to, uh, go
grab a beer or something? Sure. WARREN: We contacted
the Board of Health, and they’re currently
investigating the hot dog vendor on Coney Island. Very disturbing to
think that people could sell hot dogs like this. When we returned to
the office space, we were shocked at
what we discovered. Confidential materials had
been examined and altered. We also found
discarded beer bottles, and worse yet, traces
of illegal substances. We knew that we had them
on possession and vandalism. So we went down to surveillance
and played back the footage. You all know why you’ve
been called in here today. Actually– Did I say you could talk? Two days ago, someone broke
into the conference room while myself and
the other producers were out on a field trip. The room was vandalized, and
information was tampered with. David, I was with you guys. If I have to ask you
to zip it one more time, you are gonna regret
you were ever born. Do you understand, bitch? Yes sir. Now to make matters
worse, there was use of illegal substances involved. First of all, how
could anyone break in? The doors aren’t even locked. I got you on tape, bitch! NATALIE: Look David, I’m sorry. We were high. We went into the
conference room, but it was my fault.
Well, I’m glad one of you has come to their senses. But the fact remains, a
wrong has been committed, and now it’s time
to pay the piper. Your pay is suspended
for the next two weeks. All of you. Now empty your bags. I want to confiscate any
other illegal substances you might be harboring. Bullshit. That violates like every
labor law in the book. I got reasonable
cause, shithead. I could have two cops
down here in five minutes to haul your crunchy
granola lard-ass downtown. And you know what happens to
woodworkers in the federal pen. Come on. Now tonight, when you go home
to your holes in Williamsburg, I want you to remember how
lucky you are not to be spending the night in jail. Now get back to work! Energy! Energy! RICHIE: ‘Sup, Wendy? I need these, uh, typed
up by the end of the day. WARREN: I hate to
be a downer here, but I feel like it’s
missing something. Like what? WARREN: Right here it just
says, “they live in a house.” But what kind of a house? I thought we’d rent a place
out in Burbank or something. Pimp it out, you know? WARREN: No no no no no. Fuck California, Richie. There are no real
freaks in California. Don’t you guys
remember Coney Island? DAVID: All I can
remember is the man with hair all over his body. That’s good. Fur is good! How about, uh– how
about the curtains that people were hidden by? It was– it was, like, spooky. You didn’t know who was
behind what curtain, or if they were in a pen. And they would come
out like some kind of– some kind of an animal. The house is a house of
freaks, like something out of “The Elephant Man.” A beautiful, honest to god,
freaky Victorian mansion. Richie, get a pen. I’m weaving something. I see spiral staircases. I see draperies, birds
from faraway lands. We could have animals in cages. Taxidermy. We could have a taxidermy sloth! A house that is truly
worthy of handicaps. I present to you
right now– Handiland! [applause] Fucking brilliant. Brilliant. This– this completes it. This completes it. Check it. I don’t– I don’t
want to be, you know, that guy, but, uh, this would
cost a lot of fucking money. Richie, you got $10
million to work with. It’s not like we’re
spending it on the PAs. [laughter] You’re right. You’re right. We’ll figure it out.
That’s good. That’s a good one. Richie gave me the
proposal yesterday, and I’ve had a
chance to review it. I think it’s marvelous. In fact, it’s the best one of
these things I’ve ever read. Thank you Rita. Now, the one thing I did
have some reservations about was the house. $2 million seemed a bit steep. But after talking with Richie
and discussing your reasoning for it, I’ve approved it. Yes. So I won’t waste any
more of your time. We’ll sign these contracts,
and you can get back to work. Yes! Now begins probably
my most favorite part of the process, the casting. This is the time
where I cast the faces that will make the Warren
Piece dream a reality. Well basically, we put
out an ad in backside and varieties, newspapers, and
we hit other online resources not necessarily targeted at
actors because, well let’s face it, there isn’t
really a huge market for hideously deformed or maimed
people in the movie business. Well the ad reads,
“if you’re a handicap in any way, shape, or
form, and have talent, then this is the show for you. Please send headshots
and resumes to–” et cetera, et cetera. It’s kind of broad, but we
thought, the more the merrier! It’s not like you’re going to
have some blind person checking out the castings online
or some retard looking at the trade papers
over a cappuccino at his favorite local coffeehouse. Well the thing was we didn’t
get as many submissions as we were hoping for. We got a lot of pictures of
fat people for some reason, but we didn’t get any
retards or mongoloids, and that’s really disappointing. With modern medical
science, there just aren’t as many
people with deformities as there used to be. If you ask me,
they’re going to have a really hard time
getting the kind of people they want for this thing. Throwing some profoundly
deranged people into the mix is a good idea. Funny crazy is good. Dangerous crazy scares me. Don’t be scared. There is nothing
to be scared of. Let’s focus on HDP–
Happy Deformed People. The American public
loves that stuff. I mean, they really eat it up. We don’t have any submissions
from these happy deformed people you speak of. OK. But we don’t want
some sociopath running around the house killing people
while they’re sleeping, do we? LAURA: Well of course not. But there are contracts that
they could sign that would release us from all– No. We can never have that. Look, we can have handicaps. We can make fun of them. We can expose them to
dangerous living conditions. We can dress them
up in clown suits. But we cannot kill them. The network just won’t allow it. What if the schizophrenics
kill themselves? Here’s an interesting one. All it said on his resume
is that he’s an alcoholic. Interesting. Let me see. Do alcoholics count? Well from the looks of
his handwritten resume, I think it’s safe to
assume there’s something more wrong with him than that. RANDY: I’m a singer/actor. Since my parents recently
unfortunately passed away, I had to move into
this very place right here right
now with my brother. And right now, I’ve got
to be honest with you, I’m used to better
conditions than this by far, and this is
unlivable conditions. And right now, it is really
a place of [inaudible]. My brother, his name is Sandy,
and for most of the time, he just stays in his bed. He used to be a normal guy,
but, uh, things have changed. Fuck yourself! You’re trying to
kill me, you crazy– Well, I’m feeding him bagels,
I’m feeding him bananas, and he don’t like those foods. So I’m only giving
him the cat food. I want to get into show
business really soon because I hear that
in the show business, you can make quick
money, and easy money. I told him, you have no future. You’re a non-entity. He couldn’t get arrested
in New York City. So I did some work in the
film business as an extra. It didn’t work out,
because what happened was I want on a date
with this girl here, and, uh, she had
legs, by the way, that were shiny like a hot dog. But I couldn’t
afford the buffet. He couldn’t sing for shit! So the other day,
I was sitting here, and I was reading
this casting paper, and I see this audition for
a show called “Handicaps.” Though I don’t have
a physical handicap, I do have a problem
drinking a lot. I told him, unless
you want to play a retard for the rest of your
life, dye fucking hair blonde! So I placed my resume and
this headshot in an envelope, and right now, I just hope
that they just call me. Can I have my JELL-O now? Oh, here’s a looker. 6 foot 5 inches,
muscular, delicious. Wrong show. But it says here he’s
paranoid schizophrenic with multiple personalities. Let me take a look at that. He’s too tall for me. And besides, he’s
probably bullshitting about his handicap. Well, there’s some mandatory
IQ and psych evaluations, so we should be able to
distinguish the real nuts from the fake ones. We’re bringing him in. End of discussion. My name is Bob, and I
have been in the acting business for about seven years. I am a bartender at night, and
I work as a personal fitness trainer during the day. Three years ago I
moved to Los Angeles because several of my friends
told me there was a lot of work out there. I was doing pretty
good out there, yeah. I actually did extra work in
over 50 TV shows and movies. I was his manager, and I
told the stupid schmuck, don’t sell your ass down
the river for a couple of hundred dollars. My agent came up to me
and he said, listen, Bob, there’s nothing we can
do for you anymore. You’ve become a recognizable
extra in the Hollywood game. He took every fucking
crumb they threw at him. And look at him. He played himself out. So I got myself a new
agent, and that is when I landed my first big role. I played Girandu the Giraffe on
the international hit TV series “Telegrubbies.” That was me. This is my costume. And, uh, I don’t want to
take the whole thing out because it’s, it’s
actually huge. Bob is so committed
to his craft. He’s a true method actor. I mean, when he throws
himself into a role, it just takes over
his whole life. It’s almost frightening. So one day, I was looking
at the online castings, and I come across this
ad for a reality TV show looking for talented handicaps. So I got to thinking– Bob is so talented, and he just
takes on every role he plays, that I said, why don’t you
pretend to be handicapped? I wanted to get into
the place of a physically handicapped person. What if I were crippled
from the waist down and I fell out of a wheelchair? Or what if I had MS? [inaudible] But Cindy and I decided
that that really didn’t make much
sense because I’m in such awesome
physical condition. So I said, why don’t you
be a mentally handicap? It was perfect. I mean, I could show my
whole range of abilities as an actor using the
multiple personalities thing. I could play this,
like, really nice, you know, sweet guy, and
then all of a sudden, I could be this,
like, crazy mad man, you know, who’s, like, just
about ready to kill someone, you know? Given his experience and
his look, I know he’ll do it. I love this one. Dye your fucking hair blonde
and cap your fucking teeth! And maybe get some
blue contact lenses. I think I found one. Who is it? Killer P. He’s a rap
artist from Boston, he’s got cerebral palsy, and his
raps are about being handicap. Excellent. We need at least one black. KILLER P: Well, I
came down cause me and my man, we be
doing music and shit. We tryin’ to, you know,
get our hustle on. So I came down, do a couple
songs with him, you know, and put together this
new CD we pushing. I was surfing the
net that said– I saw this thing on disability
international website, but it’s an audition
about this reality show. I was like, you know, fuck it. We smoke a couple Ls, We roll
our asses down there popping and see what pop on. And while we there,
we murdered a mother fucker, leave them guessing and
shit, walk off with the riches. I got plans, B. Well, is the show exploitative? What in America isn’t,
you know what I mean? Let’s be fucking real about it. Well I say, OK,
I’m gonna do what I gotta do to get what I want. So if they think I’m
gonna come in and drool, I’ll come in and go, eh, eh, eh. Yeah, yeah. I got some shill to
[inaudible] My porno site for people with disabilities
called cripsandtits.com. We got scooter sex. We got electric wheelchair sex. We got a section
called prosthetic sex. That’s, you know, that’s where
you can take the leg or the arm off. Paralyzed pussy section. That’s where, you know,
[inaudible] section where the people break they neck. You know, people don’t think
they’d be freaks and shit. Yo, them– cause they can
bend all kinda ways and shit. I heard some stories
about how hard these mother fucking judges is. They ain’t gonna
give me no problems. And if they so happen
to get a little cocky, though, let’s say a little
uppity in they draws, smack the fuck out
them bitches, yo. So after three
days of sifting, we decided it was best to bring
everyone into the open call, as we have no way of
knowing who’s a fake and who’s a freak without
actually seeing them. I have to say, good
handicaps are hard to find. We wanted to keep
the auditions low key. We wanted to pick
a place that was nice so that our auditioners
could feel comfortable. But we also wanted a place
that was under the radar screen so we didn’t attract
too much attention. We needed to find an
out of the way place, so we booked a cheap
hotel in Chinatown. It was perfect, and probably
nicer than most of these people have ever seen. Besides, who the
hell else is going to allow 50 or 60 handicaps to
hang around in their lounge? It’s bad for business. Nice digs, huh? Yeah, this place
is a real shit hole. Must have blown all their
dough on the house of freaks. OK. For those of you
who’ve just come in, I need you to sign
this clipboard. Then I need you to pick up
one of these release forms. Read and sign each sheet. If you need a braille version
I have one upon request. Then I need you to go
to your respective areas of the waiting room. If you are in a wheelchair,
please roll over there. If you are mental, wait over
here for your psych exam. And if you’re deformed,
just go over there. If you have any questions
about what you are, please come to me. You’re retarded! It’s tough dealing
with these people, because a great
deal of them don’t even know what I’m saying. I was yelling at this
one guy for 10 minutes before I realized he was deaf. I try to be as patient as
possible with these people, but it’s tough sometimes. Oh, I’m total anxious
right now to get things rolling because I want
to show everybody what I can do. Don’t hold me back anymore. Come on. You’ve gotta– you
gotta [inaudible] role. Come on. Get the thing started now. Please. I– I don’t want
to wait anymore. My name is Sam Vachi Vagina! My real passion is dancing. Hi. My name is Annie. I’m really excited
to be here today. I feel really, really good. We drove 35 hours. Hi. I did a lot of research,
and typically schizophrenics, they don’t shave. Most of them wear glasses,
and they just walk around with kinda like a
disheveled, like something’s not right about them look,
which I totally have, you know? I don’t never wear
my hair like this. I ain’t got time to be waiting
around for this bullshit. And if they don’t
hurry the fuck up, shit gonna pop off
up in this bitch. But the thing is that I
was so confident that I gave some people rides on
my wheelchair for money, and it was great.
MALE SPEAKER: Holy shit! That’s Warren Piece out there. [crowd oohs and ahs] -Ooh, Warren!
-No. -Wait!
-No wait! Wait! Come on! SUNDAY: Come back! Uh, all right. If we could just get rolling. OK, sir? If you could just be seated,
we could get started. (SINGING) Everybody– Excuse me Mister,
please sit down. Now, in my hands are two tests. One is an IQ test. The other is a psych. SAM: Suck my fucking
ass and balls. OK. As I was saying, the
other is a psych. Shut the fuck up you small
penis fatass shitface twat! OK. As I was saying– SAM: Cunt! I’m just going to
pass these out now. You know, it’s really tough with
those tourette syndrome guys. I just– I really wanted
to punch that guy out, but then I was just
like, Josh, chill. MALE SPEAKER: Oh my god! [interposing voices] You’re having a seizure. You’re having a se– oh! Help me! Hey, quit your
horsing around here. Get these two guys
the hell out of here. So listen up everybody. I know you’re tired. I know you’ve been here a while. I know it’s suppertime and
you’ve probably hungry. But in this business,
you’ve got to be hungry. And if you’re not, the
door’s right there, and you might as well take it. Cause if you’re
looking for sympathy, you’re not going
to find it here. We know you’re blind,
crippled, paralyzed, deformed, and you know what? It doesn’t mean a
damn thing at all. To us, you’re all the same. In fact, if you ask me,
you’re pretty lucky. You’re pretty lucky to be
living in a country where you’re treated equally, whether you
live in a mansion in Beverly Hills or you’re down in the
gutter with nothing to eat and a stub for your arm. In some countries, you wouldn’t
even be allowed to audition for shows like this. You might not be
allowed to own a TV, or buy stuff to make you happy. So when you walk
into that room today, I want you all to
remember you are blessed, and you don’t have
it bad at all! Trust me. I got two kids I’m trying to
put through medical school, so you’ve got nothing on me! [laughter] So let’s do it! [applause] By the way, if you’re
hungry, there’s a vending machine at the end of the hall. All right. You’ve all been given a
number, so when I call it, please come up here and I will
lead you into the audition. Please have your music, your
headshots, whatever you need ready on hand for the audition. And relax. Don’t be nervous. You know, this is
just your one shot to do something with your
life, but it’s no big deal. No big deal. Just one shot. I knew there were going to
be some bad energies floating around, but I was in no
way, shape, or form prepared for what I saw that day. (SINGING) Who’s
that little yellow square smiling back over there? Well, thank you guys. I’m usually really good
at taking criticism but they weren’t nice at
all, and I really thought that this was my chance. Where’s my helmet? Well, I used to do a soft shoe. I used to dance. And I have this sciatica
so I don’t dance anymore. (SINGING) Mary had a little
lamb, little lamb, little lamb. [singing] (SINGING) You can see her
in the local bars, and you have to thank your lucky stars. The overall look of
the crowd was ghastly. And for the most
part, their looks matched their performances. Uh, my name’s Bob Bennett. Assonance. I like that. And what is your handicap? Uh, paranoid
schizophrenic, Mr. Piece. Bob, you can call me Warren. Fucking, what are
you fucking doing? What was that? I will call you whatever
I want, you stupid bitch. Oh my. This is the, uh,
schizophrenic part. Who’s there? Who is– I know someone
is following me. What are you looking at? And this is the
paranoid part, OK? Bob, honey, before you
continue with this routine– Wait, wait. Maybe we could just
give him a chance. Let him do his thing. We’re on deadline, horny boy. First off, I don’t care how
many personalities you have. None of them are working
for me right now. Second, you’re not
convincing enough to act your way out of a paper bag. And third, your
hair’s too puffy. Goodbye. Somebody get him out of here! Wait. Bob? Could you possibly
take off your shirt? Will it get me on the show? Maybe. Overall, I think
I did pretty good. I might have lost a little
bit with the baby thing, but I think I made
a really strong impression, which is
what matters the most in these kind of things. I think I’m gonna let
you handle this one, G. Killer P., I would assume? And this– This is my man, Joe. ‘Sup dog? Don’t call me fucking dog, yo. I like his attitude. Nigga please! You should be glad
I let you up here. Whoa whoa whoa. Listen you ass clown, you
done had us [inaudible] for fucking six hours. Get to the getting
all fucking ready. Well, can you rap? Can I rap? The fuck I look like I’m
here to do, tap dance? Rap for us. I’m gonna kill each
one of y’all one by one, with this little click
clack from Joe’s gun. First go you, then
go you, and them last two shells for your asses, too. That’s it. That’s all the
fuck y’all getting. Those rhymes were pretty solid. Shit was pretty tight. The rap was fine. You look a little
bit like Tupac. But your speech is
rather affected. The only thing you
got going for you is your attitude at this point. RICHIE: And by any chance,
were you injured as a result of gang related violence? I got CP, bitch. Are you sure about that? You might want to
reconsider your answer. The only thing I’m
gonna reconsider is whooping your ass
up in this piece. Quite frankly, everybody, I
don’t think he’s street enough. I don’t think I heard what
the fuck you just said. Oh. I said, I don’t think
you’re street enough. Again, I don’t think I just
heard what the fuck you said. Oh, you bet your sweet
booty that’s what I said. I said, you’re
not street enough. I said, you’re like Vanilla Ice. I said, you’re a big fronter! I said, I think
you’re a big fronter! Front front front front! [yelling] RICHIE: I love
“The Color Purple!” Killer is a unique individual. He hit me here, but
he touched me here. You were attacked by
a gun-toting paraplegic and thrown out of the
sleaziest hotel in Chinatown? He could walk. Shut up. Rita, I really don’t see
what the big deal is here. RITA: Don’t see the big deal? You held an open
call for 60 retards with absolutely no security,
and you almost got murdered! He was only pistol whipped. We could’ve had a multi-million
dollar lawsuit on our hands. And now, you’re
considering bringing the cretin in for a callback? He has the kind of charisma
that we need for the show. I’m going to pretend
I didn’t hear that. Let me tell you something. Here at CNT, we believe
in giving second chances. But I will not be left holding
the bag for another “Dead on Wednesday.” “Dead on Wednesday”
was brilliant. Readings were great! Until the bottom dropped out. RITA: Yes. Brilliant. You tell a perfectly healthy
man that he’s terminally ill and he’ll be dead on
Wednesday, then chronicle his every move until that day, when
you tell him it was all a joke. That premise will be
burned on my brain forever. It was genius. Until the fucker died,
Warren, of a heart attack from the stress
on fucking Monday. We were five episodes short! We had to run seven
hours of funeral footage. The open casket didn’t hold
the viewers’ interest for more than two of those episodes. What do you want from me? Piece, don’t fuck up again. Because if you do,
your ass is mine. Now get back to work. Well, the producers
narrowed it down to about 14 people, which wasn’t
hard to do because most of them were fakes. You ask people to travel
all the way to New York to be cut down and humiliated on
national television for no pay, and you don’t even have
a fucking bagel tray in the lobby, and
then you wonder why you don’t have a good turnout? Well, um, we had to
score the psych and IQ exams for all the candidates. And I mean, the
psych exams, there are like 600 questions on them. I actually took one
of the IQ tests myself. I’m a genius. KEN: Come on, Laxo. Let’s get this show on the road! I just needed to get out,
to hang out with fun people, and to get out from
underneath those disgusting fluorescent lights. And then there was this
man who caught my eye. His gaze was just fixed
on me, penetrating me. That guy is totally
checking you out. FEMALE SPEAKER: He is. You should go over
and talk to him. I gave him a slight
smile, and he smiled back. And I knew that his
were the eyes of hunger. Raw hunger. Ms. Wilcox, these are
compliments of the gentleman over in the corner. FEMALE SPEAKER: See? Thank him. Yeah. Go over there and thank him. Go. Fine. He was amazing. An Italian designer, hence
the bodyguard and the girls. I feel like I’ve know
you for such a long time, though we’ve only just met. LAURA: With the mind
of a Greek philosopher, and the face of a Roman god. I was overtaken with this energy
that I hadn’t felt in years. I just wanted to dance
and to hold him, so– MALE SPEAKER: I’m a bad dancer. LAURA: –I just pulled
him up off the couch. [laughter] And when he fell to the
ground like a ton of bricks, I thought he was drunk. But when his bodyguard
pushed me away, I knew there was
something wrong. He struggled to get his
body back up onto the couch. I’m sorry, Laura. I should have told you. But we were having such
a good time together. You didn’t know, and
I just wanted to know what that felt like again. It was a skiing accident
in the French Alps. But it doesn’t matter. I just couldn’t help
but cry– because I knew we were so much alike. [music playing] I’m trying to do as
much positive energy work as I can right now. [high-pitched sounds] I have a smudge stick here
made from sage and lavender, and the nice scent helps
chase away unfresh spirits. Bless the element of
air, the power of mind. Bless the element of water,
the power of emotion. Bless Mother Earth. Please send me the most
positive light and energy in the universe so
I can produce yet another hit reality TV show. Amen. I just hope that this works. I mean, as we saw at the open
call, people with disabilities have really negative
energy, and I just hope that they don’t bring me down. Ken, get me some baby
food, double quick! You ready to cast
some handi-talent? I am, and have been
for the past two hours. I had a minor incident
with my smudge stick. Where’s Laura? You mean she’s not with you? Oh, for fuck’s sake. Oh shit! Laura is now over an hour late. I just hope she
hasn’t been overtaken by an evil spirit force. [coughing] Will you put that shit out? You’re going to set off
the fire alarm again, dude. Fuck you, dude. I’m trying to, like,
cleanse this room of all the negative spirit
energies inside of it, and you are not helping. Laura? Although I couldn’t
feel anything, I know your shit was tight. Everybody’s ready. We can’t make them
wait forever, you know. We have to wait for Laura. She’s our casting director. Warren, we don’t even know
if she’s going to show. I know she’ll show! Warren, be sensible. We have to get the
show on the road. OK. Start sending them in. Wait a minute. Who’s in charge here? Whose show is this? This is my show, dog. It won’t be for long if you and
the rest of your fairy patrol don’t get your shit together! What? Ken, send in the clowns. He just looks– short. I’m a fucking dwarf, shithead. How dare you! Listen Mister, you need
an attitude adjustment. Just because dwarfs
are all hot today does not mean they’re
going to be hot tomorrow. Really. Your attitude sucks. But you look like
Jack Nicholson. Listen Joe, I would really,
really love to work with you, but you must start
thinking taller. If you think it, you can be it. Listen to me with
those little ears. I am a professionally
trained dancer. But when I first got to class,
I literally looked like this. I was like your height then. And then, my instructor,
Joshua Delasante, he taught me to breathe
through my vagina. He taught me how to walk. Watch and learn. Now you try it. That’s better.
Now try this. Arms in opposition! Think Tommy Tune, OK? You wanna be on TV? You gotta grab the pencil. You want to ride the
roller coaster of success? You gotta be this tall! Come on! Stretch! Stretch it! My name is Joe. I’m a dancer. And I want to be on your show. My name is Joe. I’m a dancer. And I want to be on your show. My name is Joe. Oh my god. This is disgusting. Laura, what has
gotten into you? Are you purposely trying
to destroy the culmination of all of our hard work? You’ve become a
traveling minstrel show. We weren’t always like this. We once believed that you had
to treat people with respect. It all starts with slamming
a door in someone’s face or cursing an old man because
he’s walking too slow. And then the next
thing you know, you’re taking a luxury
vacation to Greece off the money you made
exploiting some paraplegic. So what you’re trying to say
is you fucked a paraplegic? Yes. Yes I did. I have never in my life
seen such blatant disrespect and disregard for other
people’s time and money. I am truly at the
end of my rope here. Honey, we’ve all fucked
people in wheelchairs before. Have you? Well no. Being with Charles has made me
realize, I want to be decent. Decent. You have an obligation to me. Decent means fulfilling
that obligation to me. Decent means not letting me
down over a one-night stand. And yes, decent, in
this case, Laura, means getting out there
and casting this show. Because this is my last chance. Well, I guess decent is
what you can live with. Well, I’m glad someone
decided to come on back. We’re making really good time. Two hours, one audition. Shut up Richie. You shut up. You can talk tough
now, big man, but Spellman’s not gonna like this. If we don’t nail this,
remember, it’s not going to be my ass on the line. Can it, fuckers. We’ve got a reality
TV show to cast. WARREN: Even though
Laura’s back on our side, we’re still in a very
precarious situation. We’ve got exactly four hours
to finish these auditions. And after Laura’s
little outburst, well, under our contract,
it’s possible that we could be removed from this project. Needless to say, it’s time to
kick this puppy into overdrive. I’m gonna play this music,
and I’m gonna dance for you. Randy, we don’t have
a cassette player. So it looks like
you’re going to have to dance this one acapella. You’re going to have
to dance without music. I’m a professional dancer. I need the music in the
background for me to dance. Dance! [drum noises] [singing] [singing] (SINGING) Me so horny. Ah, ah me so horny. Um, my name’s Corky. I’m a dancer. And I’m retarded. I’m one of those what you
would call a little person. You don’t look short to me. I appreciate that. That’s not a compliment. I have a tendency to
say things that offend people without my control. So does Laura. I need to hear clicks. Click click click click
click click click click! Click click click
click click mother fucking goddamn cock sucking! That’s really inappropriate. Leave the kicks
to the Rockettes. You can’t dance. And I’m disappointed. You finger licking pussy. You’re not a midget. But you sure are
short on talent. Are you sure
you’re not retarded? Jonathan T. Santiago, actor. Send in the next one. And you are? Big D. Big D., what is
your disability? I’m visually impaired. If you’re blind,
where’s your cane? Where’s your dog? Uh, some people
prefer the cane, some people prefer
to use a dog, but I just prefer to use my glasses. Listen Big D., I would prefer
that you didn’t lie to me. Remove the glasses now! Did you ever get in like
a– like a knife fight? You ever kill anyone? Cut a man down, maybe? OK.
He’s blind. He’s blind.
Yeah. He is. Sure is. And you are? This is Jon. He’s an actor. And he’ll be doing
the scene with me. What are you doing? Bro, what scene are you doing? Comprende ingles? There is no room
for mealy mouth bullshit in this business. Do you understand me? Speak up, son! He can’t hear you. He’s deaf. Well he doesn’t look deaf. I love you. But I can’t stay! I must leave you now
forever, Maurice. Cut! Cut. Cut. What was that supposed to be? Not good. And Natalie, next
time do it better. You’re not deaf. I love you. But no! I can never feel
right again holding you and making love to you. I must go! Cut! Cut! It looks like you’re trying
to kill her or something. This is a love scene! What are you doing? That’s ghetto love. Although I may never feel the
warmth of your body pressed against mine, and I will
long for the pleasures of your flesh, I
must leave you now! [moaning] Cut. Hot, sexy, and steamy. That’s what daddy likes. [applause] OK everybody. We’ve seen them all! I’m pretty sure the
smudge stick worked. It just took a really long time
to get some of the lingering spirits out of here. We’ve got two midgets, so
it’s an easy elimination. Correction, we have one
dwarf and one midget. Whatever. They’re both the same. But personally, I think the
dwarf is more interesting. But the midget’s so cute,
and he can dance like a mo-fo. Anybody in a wheelchair’s in. So Sunday’s on the
show, and we could put Killer P. in a wheelchair. Well, Big D.’s blind
and John Ficatta’s deaf, so why don’t they have a gay
love affair in episode three? It would never sell. But they could be “roommates.” We need heat on this show. Bob has no talent, he’s
lying, and his hair sucks. But he’s got a killer body. We’ve got to keep the
housewives interested. Warren’s got a point. Besides, there’s nothing
wrong with Randy other than his alcoholism. Oh, there is something
very, very wrong with Randy– in a funny, quirky way. I don’t think so. I have the psych eval
and IQ test results. So let’s take a look. Bob Bennett is not a
paranoid schizophrenic. Uh! RICHIE: His IQ test
indicates, however, that he is borderline retarded. OK. Well there’s a start. Randy has a very high IQ. Hm. I told you so. But his psych eval
indicates that he is a paranoid schizophrenic. We’ve already got a retard. We need a schizo. Fine. You can have him on the
show, but he gets eliminated in the first episode. Fine. Hi, Mr. P? Killer P.? This is Ken from CNT. I just wanted to
call and let you know that you’re going to
be on “Handicaps,” Warren Piece’s “Handicaps.” Isn’t that exciting? Hi Randy. Hi Sunday. My name’s Natalie. I’m calling from CNT. By the way, you’re so
cute in your wheelchair. CNT. I can’t understand you. Yeah. We’ll– we’ll–
we’ll just call you at the end of the week then.
OK. OK.
Bye. I just had a– a few
questions I wanted to ask you before we called you in. So you’re 6′ 5″, huh? Yeah. How about– how about
your, um, your shoe size? Good news, everybody. The house is done! Wow! So fast? Well, we had it shipped
in pieces from China. It only cost an extra million
dollars for express delivery! Ta-da! Oh. That’s nice. It’s my masterpiece. Cool design. But is it OSHA compliant? OSHA what? PA, you’re spoiling a moment! Occupational Safety and
Health Administration. In other words, does
it have handicapped entrances and bathrooms? Looks like you could
use a good woodworker. We’ll just use PAs to carry
the cripples up the steps. Well, it looks like somebody
slinked in here to give you the good news– or
to spin doctor it, so he can weasel out of
it the way he always does. Well, there’s no
weaseling out of this one. There’s no weaseling
out of $300,000 of expenses and a house that
cost $2 million to build. This is so whack, and I knew it
was a bad idea from the start. I told you, he is
asleep at the switch! Every one of those
magnificent spiral staircases are going to cost $20,000
to replace, all 15 of them. And the bathrooms? They have fucking
handlebars on the toilets! The whole fucking place has
to be torn apart and gutted. Handicap ramps. The place is on
fucking stilts, Rita. We have to put in
a fucking elevator. I mean, an elevator! Look, I have reviewed
everything ad nauseum. And if you look
yourself, you will see that there is absolutely no
way to weasel out of this one. Now, I’ve prepared some
documents for you– every breach of contract that
I observed in this project for you to review. I am ready to step
in and take over the project, ready to salvage
it, and happy to do so. I have some ideas. A freestyle competition. Um, a blind Comedy Jam. Mix things up a bit. We could also do a deaf
Comedy Jam with sign language. RITA: Shut up! But Rita, I’m not– Whose office is this? Who runs this company? How dare you walk in here
and start barking out orders! I wasn’t barking out orders. I was simply trying
to save the project. OK. Well let me ask you this. How long have you been here? Oh, I don’t see what
that has to do with– I said, how long have
you been with CNT? Six months. And how much money
have you made CNT? I think my performance speaks– How many fucking
hit shows, my nigga? None. Exactly. None. $300,000? That’s chump change. Have you taken a look
at your expenses lately? A night out on the
town with Nelly? A round of drinks for
Jay Z and his crew? Warren and I have
been discussing your performance
lately, and frankly, we’re a bit disappointed. You’re off the project. From here on in, I will be
taking a special interest in this project,
and I’ll be working very closely with Warren. See, Warren is gifted. He’s an artist, and
must be treated as such. And from here on in, he will be. I guess I’ll see
you around the way. Snap! OK everyone. Hello. All right. Welcome. Congratulations. So we’re going to do
the photoshoot now. I’m going to take
you up one at a time, and then we’re going to
do a big group photo. So smile, be as pretty
as you can, and, uh, you, remember to behave yourself, OK? Great. Lick my nipples,
you cum-stained chud! Listen, I want you to make
him look like Tupac, comprende? Yes. I’ll try. I don’t pay you
$5,000 a shoot to try. Do you understand, Ansel? This is what it’s
all about for me. To see the happy, smiley
faces, well, it– it almost brought tears to my eyes. I’ve been doing a lot of
intensive sessions with Warren. I think he’s starting
to understand what it is I really need from him. Overall, I’d say I’m very
pleased with his performance. Things are going very
well between Charles and I. I’m just looking at
the world differently. I pay you $5,000 a day
so that you can make me look like a fucking fat horse? Stand up! I mean, sit up straight! It’s been good, a
good adrenaline rush. It makes me want to get
back to the firing range and hone my skills a little. In this business, you
never know what to expect. We decided to come up with our
own concept of a reality show. “Terminal House.” Eight contestants,
all terminally ill, live together in the same house
and compete against each other for $1 million. Also, I had sex with Natalie
in the conference room. So that was cool. You can’t always
have what you want, especially if what you
want is unobtainable. So I’ve lowered
the bar just a bit, and I’ve set more
realistic goals. I mean, I can’t wait
to move into Handiland so I can start to
work on the show with a fresh point of view. And at the end of
the day, this is what I live for–
bringing people together, I mean, whether it’s
right here in this room or in front of TVs in
homes across the nation. So whoever says
reality TV is dead should die because
it’s here to stay! And I’m here to stay! [music playing] Cap your teeth,
you fucking retard!

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