When was it? When I first started thinkin’ about
killing my wife… For those of you who’ve never
killed anyone… Yes you! You people peacefully watching You’ll never get your mind around it. For you, snuffing out somebody’s life
is almost 100% unbelievable. For us killing folk, not whacking
someone is almost 100% unbelievable. Almost… Oh… that feels good. Yeah… Yeah… I’m… I’m com… A CM about a guy who’s
quick in bed. He comes in 3 secs. Yoko’s Thought Up Commercial Mind Blowingly Quick. For Fast Internet Access, Get SPEED! Something wrong? Nothing really. Yoko, are any commercials you made
on lately? Maybe. Maybe that beer one? Like those pro wrestling
Amazon women? You got me. I knew it. I thought so. Why’s that? It’s a yawn. Really? So boring I almost barfed. What? You angry?
You’re pissed. Not at all… My honest opinion is valuable, huh? It’s useful, right? But that one’s really boring. My CMs have a certain love-hate factor. Certainly not. The entire country hates it. Not necessarily. I almost forgot. What? You trying to kill me? How’d you figure me out? Yoko… your armpits reek. I gotta hold my breath to keep
from dying. If I die, we’re talking homicide. Say it backwards, you get REDRUM. You see “The Shining”? Killer armpit stench… You could use the idea. You can use it in your CMs. Maybe I’ve got a flair for
commercial planning. Well? Being a copy writer is a breeze. Anybody can do it. My gut… All right. That was a breeze. That house wasn’t even locked. Amazing. How’d we make out? Hold on. Ta-da! 1, 2, 3… 200,000 yen or so. 200,000 yen! Hey, what’s next? Some ladies of the evening? Feelin’ fine time? Feelin’ fine time? When you’re, you know,
which hand? When jacking off? Me… my right hand. I wonder. Which one was it? Look out! Don’t check your package!
Hands at 10 and 2!! S-s-sorry. Sorry. You scared me. I can come without using my hands. What the hell? How? With this. Concentration. Image! Get real! Seriously! Seriously? Talking God’s realm. You’re so money, J. Realm of the senses. That, I’d like to see. Keep your eyes on the road. S-s-sorry. Sorry. We’re approaching Narita. Would you
mind putting your seats upright? Oi. Come back here. What is your function here? Me? I’m the cabin attendant so… I make sure you passengers have
a pleasant and safe flight. I guess. That’s not what I mean.
What is your purpose for living? What are you doing? What is your function on this planet? I’m terribly sorry… That’s very hard,
how should I answer? There’s no need to think hard about it! You’ll get the wrong answer.
Simply answer. Follow your instincts and answer. Even if I… 10, 9, 8, 7, 6… But if, for example, you were me,
how would you… Don’t ask me! Don’t be poking
into my affairs! What are you? My fucking mother?
There’s no way you are! What am I, your son? I don’t think so. What’s with you! You messed up in the head? You ugly bitch!! Receipt I’m home. Welcome home, Daddy. Keiichi, are you still up? Yep. Another late day, huh? How’d it go? How’d what go? The Aoyama tickets… The hypnotist. Oh, I forgot. You forgot! No, I didn’t forget, I… What? Which is it? Ta-da! No way. Yes way. Way to go, Daddy. Were they hard to buy? Of course they were. His show is way popular. They say he hypnotizes
the entire audience. Really? You know Kanako, she… No, I don’t know her. I was talking to Mom. Kana-chan? Kanako said before she went… She thought it was fake.
Now she’s a hard-core Aoyama fan. Aoyama’s big, huh? He’s tall and good looking. I’m pretty tall myself. When is it? Tomorrow. We are so there. You’ve got cram school, remember? Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. No maybes about it. Besides, I’ll never get into college. Stop it. You and your attitude is… School… Yes? Forget school. All right! Hold on honey! That’s no example for our kids. Come on. I worked my butt off
to get these tickets. But… Let’s play hooky! OK. Who’s in? Yippee! Sometimes the kids need to relax. What a wise father. Thanks Daddy. Thanks Daddy. Didn’t they cost big money? Not really. The president of one of my big clients,
you know, Mr. Saito. You met him. Remember? Nope. Not at all. Anyway… He’s got friends in show biz
and he said he owed me. It’s my account and I should
give him something but… These premium tickets scalp
for 100,000 yen. Wow. Sell? Shall we sell them? What’s with that face? Stop it. Let’s sell. To sell or not to sell. That is the question. And now, the Non-Non pain relief medicine
commercial for your viewing. We’re most happy with the work. You’ll be more than pleased. You have a phone call. Tell them to wait. It’s your wife and it’s urgent… Yeah. Yeah. What? The bathroom light is out? How’s it coming, J? Like clockwork. You’re so money, J. I gotta get a job soon. What’s wrong with this job? There’s plenty wrong with it. Maybe… Like what do you wanna do? Like what? Wanna do? I have something
I wanna do. Jesus… Off! Idiot! My bad. It’s Kawaguchi. Hello? Yes… No, no, no, no. Now, I’m, you know… No, you know, I’m tied up so… Yeah, well… Don’t ask me… OK. I’ll pick something up
on my way home. Shall we take a look? Okay then? Please enjoy. Oh no… The biggest audition of my life and
I’ve got a splitting headache… Next. Yes. Can you dance Yes. Let’s dance. Dance with me. Dance. Here’s the music. OK. And now. Music. More, more. Harder. Harder. Harder. Harder. Yeah! You can do better. Harder, harder. Faster. Harder! More, more. Non-Non for Headaches. It’s not even close to what
we asked for. And now the if-l-can’t-hypnotize-you
you-win-1-million-yen contest. And who will the challenger from
the audience be this time? Now… who’s it gonna be… I broke a sweat. How about that father
in the grey suit there? No way? For real? We never authorized this. This is more entertaining. I never said “make it entertaining”. Customers won’t understand
the functionality of our product. Well spoken! It’s aspirin, right? Does it have any other function
than relieving headaches? It has various components. Like what? For example? For example, like… Whatchamacallit pie ring…
What’s the name again? Isopropylantipyrine. See. Pro, pro, propylanti… If you don’t understand… the customer will get lost
in the technobabble. Commercials must be entertaining.
Otherwise, no one will watch. Simple one-sided,
corporate masturbation is… Masturbation? We’re the ones sporting the bill. Then you’re wasting your money
on boring commercials. President, the phone. I said “no calls!” It’s your wife and it’s urgent… Yeah. Yeah. 60 or 100 watt? I told you I haven’t the faintest… Anyway… Take a look… What? You can’t reach it? So pull a chair over there…
That a girl… You think I’m smart? Is this place Poorsville or what? That’s why I said the house
next door was better. They’re all the same. Shirogane is the place. We’re here so… You said we’d score here, limp dick! I never said that. Did so. No man, I didn’t. Ouch! Stop it. My, my, my balls! Ouch! You’re crushing my ribs. My ribs… Morishita? What, what? What’s with you? Keep your voice down. Playing cards. Cards? Screaming over cards.
Are you a kid or what? Let’s play a hand. We ain’t playing cards.
What’s with you? I dig cards. Don’t you start too. Owch! May I have your name sir? Kobayashi. Mr. Kobayashi. What a wonderful,
loving family you have. A beautiful daughter, handsome son
and kind, loving wife. But we’re broke. Butt out. Mr. Not-a-dime-to-your-name Kobayashi. I’ve got more than a dime. Mr. More-than-a-dime-to-your-name
Kobayashi, it’s challenge time. Please have a seat. Now I’m going to hypnotize you. If I fail, the 1 million yen is yours,
Mr. Kobayashi. Okay. Here we go. Under my spell, you will become a bird.
Please look at my finger. Do I have to? Closing your eyes or… not doing what I say is
against the rules. Sorry. Now, look at my finger. On the count of three,
you will become a bird. Mr. Kobayashi? Daddy? We won! 1 million yen! No way? Evening! Who, who, who, are you? What is your function in life? Making chicks come. Just kidding! I’m a hypnotist. Otherwise, useless. You… hurt my feelings. Did you say ‘sayonara’ to your momma? What? Did you say ‘sayonara’ to your momma? That feels good. One more. My dad’s still a bird! Undo the hypnotism! I can’t… Sorry… Hey! Yoko, why are you looking at
your watch? No reason… What gives
with that president? Hmm. Don’t ‘hmm’ me. So it’s rejected? Yep. Don’t ‘yep’ me. What’re you gonna do? Maybe change it a bit. Change what part? Maybe bring the joke factor down. Make the product easier to understand. I’m out. Huh? You change it, I’m out. How selfish. What’s selfish about it? I mean it’s selfish of them to… I’m getting out. Come on, Yoko. Out of the cab. Driver, let me off here. Yoko, wait… Hurry up. Stop and open the door. OK, OK… Move. Hurry up. Yoko. I won’t change it. If they hate it,
get someone else. And another thing, don’t call me
by my first name. Okay. Ready… go! I’m beat. Yippie! You suck! Damnit! Again. Okay. One more. Ready… go. Morishita! Why the J? No reason. Oh? Somebody’s home! This is bad. J! J! J! J, you smell good. Call the hospital! What hospital? Anywhere. Just hurry! Daddy? Where’s Daddy? Daddy? Daddy’s gone. Daddy, come here. This way. Shouldn’t he go to work? How could he? I’ll worry about dad. Okay. Don’t tell anyone at school. Like I would. What is your function in life? I have none. So who’s the hit man? Don’t be asking me questions! Don’t be poking into my affairs! Isn’t it pretty damn obvious?
Does he look like a hit man? Does this boring fuck
look like a killer? That’s me, by the way. If he could get the job done,
why the fuck would I fly here? Figure it out man. Don’t ask me questions, you asshole! Keep it up and I’ll hit you. I’ll whack you. I’ll hit you and kick you.
And hit you and kick you again. I’ll kick you in the balls. I’ll grease you asshole. Did he say all that? Like you’d know? You don’t even
speak English! How much? How much? 1 million yen. Done. But no punk gangsters. Punk gangster? Lately, when I make TV commercials
I team up with overseas directors. I think their level is high. Level… Of professionalism.
High but worth it. High… Quite. Get a foreign hit man. Foreign… You’re the coordinator,
so get coordinating. I’m paying enough. Can you do it? Do my best. Damn straight you will. Damn straight. I want results. Results… Do… him. I’ll do him. How much? 1 million yen. 1 million yen. That’s high. But he’s a foreigner. So… So I brought him all the way
from London. That ain’t no reason. 1 million, huh? Fuck it. Sorry. Can you hold on a minute? I’ll cut you a deal.
Please name your price. 10,000 yen. He accepts. You sure? What’s with that? I got attacked by a crow. A bird did that? Yeah. Did it hurt? Not much. Maybe I’m
going overboard. You’re bleeding. Crow beaks are sharp. Scary, huh? Pretty scary. Hypnotist Murdered! Welcome. Pako noodles. One order of pako noodles,
right? Yes. Thank you. I love ’em. Huh? Pako noodles. Good choice. A person with a right side up and
upside down face. The two faces fight. Yoko’s Thought Up Commercial Italian burger meal. Stop selfishly ordering, asshole. Get the pako noodles, asshole. You had them yesterday. What’s wrong with pako noodles? I wanna eat ’em everyday. You’ll get sick of them. No I won’t! Well, you listen to Ken Hirai
everyday. I like Ken Hirai. Well I like pako noodles. Don’t compare them to Ken Hirai. Same thing. No, it’s not. Same thing, asshole! So they’re the same. You got me. Now that’s funny! I’ll make a series. Yoko’s Thought Up Commercial Rice or bread? Rice. Rice! Bread. Is bread all your face can eat? Leave my face out of it. Rice for me, honey. Rice, right? Bread. Stop it. You stop it. What the hell! Don’t order me around. Whatta ya think of the music biz? Who cares! We’re not talking
about that. We never talk anyone. We’re talking about rice or bread. Bread for me! What! What is your function in life? Hey uhhh… Can I get a light? Not from ’round here, are you? Nobody ’round here comes down
this street. You know why? No. Wanna know why? ‘Cuz it’s haunted. The ghost’s a cop. Rides a patrol bike. Gets close and asks for a light. If you give it to him, you’re done for. I’m kidding man! I had you huh? Hook, line and sinker. Huh? What? Light. Light? My lighter. Oh, your lighter. I had you huh?
Hook, line and sinker? Lighter. I had you huh? Fooled you good. You going? So soon? Going, eh? Everybody goes. Hurry. Help me. Help me. What? Madame, this is hard to say… What? What is it? He seems to think he’s a bird. I know that much. The cause seems to be hypnotism. I know that too. So how can you cure him? Don’t ask me, Madame. Well Madame… Yamaguchi, take a look. A most unusual case. Umm… What do you reckon? An extremely curious case. Only a few like this have been reported. In 1968, a mid 20s Afro-American
from Florida, William Oldman… Umm… Yes? How can I get my husband
back to normal? That would be a medical waste.
Right, Yamaguchi? An utter waste. Right. Let us keep your husband
as a research sample. No way! She turned us down. That’s a shame. This drawing here, Nakajima’s. It’s well… Great but… It’s a little normal I guess.
Yeah, too normal… But normal is good but…
Well you know. Now Machida’s drawing… It’s well… Interesting, yeah… Hold it. Something just hit me. Well, the more I look at it,
it’s not so interesting… A bit normal I guess. What do you think, Machida? Not interesting at all, huh?
Well, you know. But she said it was good. Kobayashi’s drawing… It’s well… Great… yeah… Fathers are like Superman to kids. Yeah, I can see that… Yeah, I get it. Kaneko, what’s this? Mom always says that
Dad loves women. Well, it’s not normal. Great but… Uh, well, I don’t like it. And Hoshino’s drawing… Yeah… It’s is difficult… What the hell? What the fuck? Now the icing. More and more. How fattening. More and more. I’m home. Where’ve you been? It’s a secret. They said they understood. Do they really understand?
But you said that before… Yeah, yeah. Yeah… Forget it.
Anyway, just do your job. Working on Xmas Eve? Something wrong? Wrong to work on Xmas Eve? No, I just thought you looked stressed. You’re working, right? Being a cabbie is my job so… So… It’s OK for you but not for someone
like me who makes commercials huh! I wouldn’t say that… What’re you saying then? Spit it out! Hurry up! So what’re you saying? I was just… I’m sorry. I was wrong. I’ll be more careful next time. You got me. I’m sorry. Forgive me. Sorry! Out of respect for my hair, forgive me! Sorry… sorry. Yoko’s Thought Up Commercial Long day, huh? A drink? Nice idea. Two waters. Cheers! Woooow! And hoooooow! Water Does Your Body Good. Now that’s funny. What’s with that? I almost got raped. Raped? By a guy? Yeah. Okay? Is what okay? Your body and… “Almost” got raped. I see. Yesterday… I saw a crow. Again? You know, yesterday was trash day. I didn’t know but anyway… A crow dropped a garbage bag
in the middle of the road. In the road? Yeah, do you know why? No idea. Then a car comes and runs over
the garbage bag. Yeah. Then the bag breaks open. Yeah. Then the crow eats what came out
of the bag. Really. What’s this? A crab and shrimp having sex… A new taste is born… A snack food commercial. Nose hair grows from lies. An alien who eats from his butt
and poops from his mouth… Farts hit his nose. Not a soul in sight. Well, it is Xmas Eve… What? You’re dark. Why so tan? Really tanned. Too tanned. Did you go on vacation? Nope. Why are you suddenly… Hitting the tanning salon? Nope. A tanning salon… is so not you. Jesus… Hey man! Are you nuts? This ain’t no phone booth. Kawaguchi… Sorry. Hi… Come on… no, no, no, no. You love talkin’ about sex. Huh? Hello? Hello? You’ve got a great body, J. Ah, thanks man. I work out. I thought so. Hitting the gym? No! I do pushups. Pushups? Everyday I do pushups.
This is what I do. Fuck yeah! This is what I do. Morishita, why you so tan? Just drop it. New girlfriend? No, no, no, no, no… No, no. No way. Why not? Yeah? Girls and me don’t mix. What do you mean? Years ago, my sister and I… What? You what? That’s bad! Way bad! You and your sister! Way bad!! Hey, hey. What’s bad? Lately, teenagers say ‘bad’
when they mean ‘good’. That bad? The good meaning. Bad. Bad? I’m bad, you know it. I’m bad. Way bad. Deodorant commercial… A man with a canine sense of smell… He faints at the smell of his feet. A guy as big as a horse
with a condom to match. Here we go. Dinner is served. To Daddy: Merry Christmas A shampoo commercial… A man who’s sexual pleasure zone
is his scalp… Everytime he washes his hair,
he faints in agony. When a girl’s period gets close,
she jumps sideways. Are F1 racers male… or female? Not another quiz? You betcha. Are F 1 racers, male or female? You and your quizzes. J, entertain this guy. OK. F1 racers, huh? You betcha. Male or female? F1 racers, huh… This is a tricky one. The answer is male.
Do you know why? Men are ‘quick’? Close but no cigar. Because racing takes ‘balls’. Balls? Balls. These! Maybe I should quiz that guy? Stop it, idiot. They look bad. Don’t you dare. ‘Bad’ meaning ‘good’ right? Seriously, don’t do it. Excuse me but are F1 racers,
male or female? I’m feeling really good right now
in this sauna. Please don’t talk to me. Don’t know the answer, do you? So which is it? Male or female? You mustn’t ask me questions.
You idiot. I knew it. Don’t know, do you? Give up? Give up? The answer is male. The reason is… it takes ‘balls’. Too bad. Next question. Is a bullet train,
male or female? I told you no questions! Go back to your area.
Get out! Damnit! No giving up this time. So which is it? Male or female? Follow your instincts. You deaf? I said no questions! He’s feeling good in the sauna.
Stop botherin’ me or I’ll kill you. You… you homo. Are you a homo? We don’t need homos. Is your friend a homo too? No! I ain’t no homo… I’m gay! J! You okay? What is m-m-my function in life? An pain relief medicine commercial… A guy’s head hurts so much it explodes… His brains fly BOOM, BANG! Wow! What’s with… What an outfit. I’m so stupid. I wonder when he’ll be cured. I’m on the verge of neurosis. Maybe by New Year’s? Does Grandma know about Dad? I haven’t told her. How could I? After all… we can’t go visit her like this. No, we can’t. This can’t… go on forever, can it? Don’t say such things. He’ll be fine. I wonder. He’ll be fine. I don’t know. He’ll be fine. Daddy! Why did this happen?! I told my friends. My dad is a dad but he’s also a bird. Keiichi. Some kids laughed but…
Kaneko said he was cool. “A bird-dad is just like
an animation hero.” “Can your dad fly?”
I told him he will soon. It’s cool with me.
No matter what dad is. Everything changes. Dad being a bird really hinges on
our perspective. Dad merely changed. Next, we have to change. Having a bird-dad has advantages. We can’t be sad forever. We should enjoy being with bird-dad. After all, life is short, right? It’s no skin off my nose
if I never eat chicken again. Hey! Sorry to bother you so late but… I’m going home and
I wanted to say bye. Thanks to you, I was able to perform
a most worthwhile job. And if there’s any chance that I might
be of service in the future. Thank you ever so much. Here’s a small token of… I’m terribly sorry.
It seems I’ve made a mistake. Don’t sweat it. This won’t take long. Of course, it will be no charge.
This won’t take long. Huh? Hello? I’m truly sorry. My mistake. This time I won’t fail you. I said forget about it. Forget about it. Where are you?! I said forget about it. Stop! No need to worry. I’ll be done soon. I said no. Forget it. We found her. Hold it! What… c-can I do for you today? That photo… Really nicely taken, huh? If you’d like,
I’ll give you one. H-Hold it.
W-W-W-What are you doing? What are YOU doing? Me? I wonder. What? What are you doing? We’re high up. Directed by Gen Sekiguchi