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Tex Montana Will Survive! – FULL MOVIE – FREE

Tex Montana Will Survive! – FULL MOVIE – FREE


– [Voiceover] I’m the Blind Rhino. – Last season on Tex Montana Will Surive, I took you on a tour of my homestead where I live in a teepee, introduced you to my
kangaroo buddy, Jasper, and my emu friend, Goldie Hawn. I showed you my brand new
pride and joy pickup truck. Smallest one I got. I got up close and personal
with an eight-legged spider, and then I showed you
the biggest weirdest worm in the world, I also ate a whole bunch of the wrong mushrooms to show you what happens, this happens. That. I took a relaxing dip
in Alligator Lake, and found myself in an alligator death match. (grunting and pounding) Then I tracked down the last
herd of wild swamp horses, Josh Lucas, Christopher
Lloyd, and Goldie Hawn, they’re my friends. Beauty of nature! So, join me on an all
new set of adventures on an all new season of
Tex Montana Will Survive! [Phone Rings] Hello? – [Voiceover] Hello. – [Voiceover] Yeah. – [Voiceover] Where are you? – [Voiceover] Well, I’m recording. I’m recording a fucking voiceover. – [Voiceover] The show’s cancelled. – Cancelled, what the fuck are
you talking about cancelled? – [Voiceover] You’re through!
You’re finished. Oh, suck my dick, you can’t
cancel me, I cancel you. Oh, eat a crab’s asshole,
you piece of shit. Survive! (slow-motion) survive. (gentle guitar melody) Howdy. I’m Tex Montana. And what you’re about to see is a very special edition
of Tex Montana Will Survive! Now, if you follow the tabloids or if you’re a regular viewer of my show, you might’ve heard about
the recent kerfuffle that erupted when some
Willy Wonka loving nobody decided to post a Youtube video of me and my lady friend coming out of Makimoto in New York City after having had a lovely sushi dinner when supposedly I was
supposed to be surviving in the Adirondacks,
sleeping in a moose carcass or whatever it is people think I do, that’s not what I do, that is not my MO. What I do and my true fans know this is I demonstrate survival
techniques, okay? I’m here to teach you how to survive. I don’t have to do all
of the survival myself. I don’t need to sleep in the snow to teach you how to
properly sleep in the snow, but for some reason, there is a contingent of the population out there that believes that is what I was proclaiming I was doing which is just ridiculous. I mean, it’s absolutely absurd and it has forced me
to take upon a project to clear my name, to right
the ship of my reputation. So, what you’re about
to see is an adventure the likes that no human
being has ever attempted, I’m going to spend 30 whole days out in the wild, completely alone, no camera crew, no support team, no rescue mission, just
me, my trusty knife, and this pack back here full
of cameras and batteries, so I can record the
adventure for you to enjoy. Now, I hope you’ll join me and I hope you learn all the things you thought you needed to know, it (stammering), you know, it’s
just so fucking frustrating. (branch snapping) Somebody’s wasting their time, I mean, who’s got the
time to be sitting around fucking filming people with their phones? Hey, aren’t you supposed to be out in the mountains somewhere? No, do you know my schedule, do you have my calendar
in your Blackberry? I don’t think you do. Aren’t you supposed to be sucking a dick somewhere,
you piece of shit? Now, obviously, we ain’t gonna use this, I’m just venting right now, God damn. All right, I’ll try to do
something for real real quick. So, the network, they said,
“Tex, you cannot do this.” “Don’t do it, you don’t need
to prove anything to anybody” and I said, “Bullshit.” I guess we can’t use that either. Amanda? Just cut all around and
make this, make it work. I have climbed to the
summit of Mount Everest in a simulator that I developed with Ubisoft in Montreal. Everything I do is dangerous. Every day I wake up and I
put myself in situations that are dangerous to show you how you can survive those
very same situations, so this is nothing,
this a walk in the cake, piece of the park, so join me, would you? On an adventure the likes
have never been seen before or ever again or since the dawn of time. And you will be changed, forever changed by what you learn, by what
I am able to show you, how to eat a stick, how to carve a stick, how to throw a stick, anything
you wanna know about sticks, you’re gonna see right now and all kinds of other
stuff too, so stick around. It’s gonna be insightful. It’s gonna be delightful,
gonna be frightful. It’s gonna be survive-ful. It’s gonna be the most miserable
fucking show I ever made. (Tex groaning) Where’s the fucking off button? God damn it. Fucking thing is… Didn’t even take the fucking… this ain’t the camera I used last time, I know its different. Fucking said it was the same thing. (outdoorsy country music) See this little doodad here? That’s a GPS tracking device. Now, it was insisted by the network and the insurance company
that I bring it along, so they could track me at all times and know where I was in
case something went wrong, they could come in and rescue me. This is a big fucking rock. Tex Montana just went
off the fucking grid. (guitar strumming) Now, when you’re looking at a… A beautiful felled tree like this, there’s all kinds of goodies
and magic you can find in here. I mean, the roots of
a tree is where nature gives birth to all kinds
of babies of the forest. Sometimes you can find
snakes, you can find grubs, so what you wanna do if you
come across something like this is to just kinda willy-nilly
stick your hand in there and see if you can find,
sometimes might be like a… You get a worm or maybe like pupa of some kind of like thing,
most pupas you can eat, most people don’t know that, too. Yeah, I’m not, ugh, went in
my mouth, went in my mouth. All right, maybe could start, Amanda, start here, okay, start, start not here when I say here, but start when I start doing something. All right, so I’m gonna
display it for you. Ah, shit, I can’t even do it like that. I was like Price is Right, I mean, look at this car, a brand new car. A fallen oak. God’s dead angel. I found a lit cigarette,
(chuckles) nature provides. No, I put that there. (country melody) Now, you see that? That’s the kinda thing that
gets you killed in the woods, trying to climb up something and you think you got a good handle on it and then the handle
comes off in your hand, then you got a handle in your hand. It’s not gonna help you live. Shit! Amanda, you cut that. You cut that, Tex never loses his footing. You know the list, Tex never loses his footing is on the list. People always give me shit
about wearing cowboy boots. Cowboy boots aren’t safe in the woods, you know what, fuck you! They were safe for my daddy
and his daddy before him. Safe for John Wayne. All right, let me try that again. Now, here I am, at the top of a fallen tree. (cans crinkling) Lookie here. Look at what I found. Every time you think that you are paving a new path for humanity, that
you are going off the map like fucking Magellan or Neil Armstrong, you find somebody’s been there before you and not only where they there before you, they littered, number one, and number two, they had a fucking party and they didn’t even invite you. I mean, my God, it’s like
high school all over again. No one ever wanted to
invite me to the party. Come out to the woods,
let’s go out to the woods after the football game,
yeah, I’ll meet you down there. Woo-hoo, let’s go have a
little campfire session and we’ll all suck each other’s nuts and we’ll drink beer and
woo-hoo, it’d be great. Not for Tex, it’s not great for Tex. I could’ve made the football squad instead I was too focused on conservation and animal husbandry
and now, I don’t know, maybe I’m filled with regret. I could probably make
something out of these. (glass shattering) Now, pretend that stick was a chipmunk, probably would’ve hurt it a little bit, probably maybe would’ve
stunned it and it was like… And I could go over and eat it. Maybe I could tame it, teach it to go get me nuts. See, that’s the thing, sometimes you don’t wanna
kill everything you find ’cause you could use ’em, use ’em for their own natural abilities like say if I was to catch a,
I don’t know, a woodpecker, then I could put the
woodpecker’s feet on a string and then you let it fly up and it goes to the tree and
(imitates woodpecker pecking) gets a worm and you just reel it back in almost like a kite, you
take the worm from the bird, now you can eat maybe
10, 12 worms in a month that that bird got you instead
of just eating the bird. The bird feeds you one day, if you let the bird bring the food to you, then you eat all the time,
so I just gotta catch a woodpecker or something. (soft gentle melody) (Tex screams) Gotta make another spear. (slow guitar strumming) Hello? I’m like 99% sure there’s a
fucking werewolf out here. (Tex playing harmonica) That, my friends, is what a
shit waterfall looks like. Fuck you. Fuck me, it’s cold. Suck my fucking asshole, it’s cold. ♫ Suck my asshole ♫ Suck my fucking asshole ♫ Put your mouth on my asshole ♫ And suck on my asshole ♫ It’s fucking cold ♫ OH my God, my fucking feet are frozen. ♫ Suck my asshole ♫ Suck all the shit from my asshole ♫ (Tex whistles) Suck it! Establishing shot. ♫ Suck my asshole ♫ Suck my fucking asshole ♫ Hey, you know what you should do, camera? Suck my fucking asshole. I don’t wanna make this show no more. That’s it, I’m not getting no more fucking establishing shots, that better have been good enough. I’m not climbing fucking mountains twice to get a fucking shot. See here, I built a
pretty classic fire pit with stones all around
it to keep the warmth in once it gets going and actually, when you get the fire going, you can take these stones and move ’em in real close to the fire and then when you go to
sleep in your shelter, you can line your bed space with hot rocks and that will keep the
warmth in all night, but the first thing you need
to do is get a fire going. So, I’m using a simple classic
spindle fire technique. And you just wanna get
a flat piece of wood and you just basically drill down into it creating friction which
in turn will create fire. Now, it takes a little while and as you can see, I’ve been
going for a while already. (upbeat melody) This aboriginal shit ain’t working, so let me give it a little help. Obviously, we’re gonna cut around this. Let’s see. Jesus. All right, get ready. Oh, oh, I got it, look at that, oh. Life. Prometheus gave the gift of fire to man and I give the knowledge of fire to you. Absolutely fucking ridiculous. Well, (chuckles) silly me,
I built this whole shelter and I showed ya how to do
it and I didn’t push record on the stupid camera,
that’s one of the downfalls of not having your crew with ya, but you know, I guess I
can explain it real quick. So, you just wanna find
a couple of sturdy trees and then just get a bunch of sticks and kinda stack ’em all around it and thread ’em all together until you got your basic A-frame or… (shelter crumbling) Cut that out, Amanda. Now, from the outside of the shelter, you can really appreciate
the craftsmanship, the structural integrity. Now, I fancy myself quite
the shelter builder. I mean, I’d say probably the best shelter I ever build was in Papua New Guinea, this is probably a close second. (sticks breaking) Fuck! (Tex screaming) Amanda, Amanda, don’t you dare. Oh, you ain’t never gonna believe this, I went fishing a couple of hours and I come back and this is what I find, my shelter that I built
with my own two hands, strong and sturdy as a Texas
panhandle Baptist church, it’s destroyed, absolutely decimated. And if I use my skills of observation, it is undeniably the work
of an American Black Bear. Well, I’m gonna go find that bear and I’m gonna fucking eat it. (determined melody) (Tex breathing heavily) I found my camera. I found the camera. (Tex whimpering) I’m so glad to see you. Amanda, don’t use this, please. Don’t use this footage of me
finding the camera and crying. I tracked that bear down to
its den, then I lost my way. I don’t know how long I was
gone, easy over a month, that’s the bad news, good
news is I found the camera. (gentle guitar strumming) I got a story to tell you. Now, if there’s one thing we learned throughout human history, one of the basic tenets of survival is to rebuild after a tragedy and as you can see, I’ve
nearly got my shelter complete, I just gotta add the crossbeam. (sticks snapping) Ah, God damn it! Never underestimate the
therapeutic power of music when you’re in a survival situation. That’s why I always bring my congas. (Tex playing the congas) (Tex singing) Well, I built myself another shelter. I had to move from my first camp ’cause that bear knows where I am now. She’s tracking me. I can feel her presence all around like a ghost haunting the woods. When I tracked that bear back to her den, I found a baby cub sleeping. And I killed it. I killed it. And blood spilled out of it, about six or seven feet
in diameter of blood. The snow was stained with red death. I kept one of that baby bear’s bones. I think it’s the ulna of the baby bear, like if it was on all
fours, it’s like this part. I tell you as bad as I feel
about killing that baby bear, if there was another baby bear right here just asleep, curled up like a house cat, I’d club it to death with
its own brother’s bone just (makes whacking noises) ’cause you gotta get through the skull, the skull of the baby bear is real tough. I mean, I can imagine
there’s not a real… easy way to kill a bear
with another bear’s bone. Other than to just bludgeon it to death. I can’t believe I didn’t
get any of this on camera. My God! All of the things I had to do. This one’s pretty sturdy. See, I think I got it. See, I got it bear-proof this time. Get away, bear, get away from me. You don’t want none of this,
I am a thinking human being, you are a dumb animal, I will kill you like I have killed your child. (drumming) ♫ Baby bear bones ♫ Baby bear bones ♫ Baby bear bones ♫ Baby bear bones ♫ I ate a bear cub ♫ I took its skeleton ♫ And I made things out of its bones ♫ I made things out of its bones ♫ Boom, bear bones ♫ I can’t fucking believe… what I went through for 30 some odd days and none of it was on camera. I mean, I’m talking Emmy and Golden Globe award-winning television. I came upon a den of four
or five hundred garter nakes all bedded down in the
ground for the winter and I slept inside the writhing
mass of snakes for warmth. I smell like garter snake musk. I don’t know if you’ver ever
been sprayed by a garter snake, but it almost smells like if a skunk took a shit on a dead skunk. I mean, that’s how they,
that’s what they do to… Trout upon trout upon trout
swam into my very hands. I lost my sunglasses, for two days, the sun was blinding off the snow. I planted and tended to a garden, things were just about to sprout when I had to get on the move again. I was able to carve a dugout
canoe from a felled log and… I killed an owl with a
rock, whoo whoo, dead. Gave away its position, one of the things you
should never do in the wild. (drumming and tambourine ringing) ♫ Amanda ♫ Amanda ♫ I know you’re upset at me ♫ ‘Cause I put my finger in you ♫ At the holiday party ♫ Amanda ♫ What we have is special ♫ You’re my editor ♫ You cut out all the stupid shit I do ♫ Or you’ll lose your job ♫ You’ll lose your fucking job ♫ I’ve told you once ♫ I told you twice ♫ If you show me being an idiot ♫ You lose your job ♫ You’re gonna lose your fucking job ♫ And then where will you be ♫ With your stupid degree ♫ Nowhere not where anywhere around me ♫ You’re gonna lose your job ♫ Now, I’m serious. Now, I know there’s a lot of shit that’s happened in this
that’s beyond my control that’s made me look foolish, so just please don’t do it. I mean, you know it, don’t
show my fucking bald spot. You see it? If anyone else sees it, you’re done. Tex Montana’s losing his
hair, you’re losing your job. Now, that’s not to say
that I don’t love you. I hope you know I care deeply about you and I think when I get back
maybe things have changed. I mean, this… Being out here like this changes a man. (Tex playing around with the instruments) Maybe I shouldn’t have
brought so many instruments and brought more food. It’s my lucky bandana, it’s
got my spirit animal, the wolf, and I’ve had it since I was 14 years old and every adventure I’ve gone on, I’ve used it in one form or another, tourniquet your leg, usually
I just plant it like a flag at the top of my shelter. (sticks breaking) God damn it! Guess what happened? Mama Bear strikes again. That bear is hunting me. I probably shouldn’t have left her baby’s bones around my camp,
that’s on me, that’s on me. A mother bear and her child have a connection, kinship, even in death, she will stalk
the specter of her lost cub, searching for every single bone, and she will gather the bones and bring ’em back to the cave and mourn for the entire winter. So. Looks like it’s time to move on, maybe build another shelter. I think I saw that bear, where she at? I just saw her, she is hunting me. Two can play at that came Mama Bear. Where you at? Show yourself, bear. I know you’re out there. Come on! That, nope, that’s a stump. This bear… is not gonna let me get
off this mountain alive. I’ve only got one option. I gotta kill it with a spear or something. I don’t know where she is. But she’s out there. (Tex humming eerie melody) I figured on this one, I’d just do more of like a traditional lean-to… (sticks breaking) I know. I know, Amanda, I can hear you right now. I told you I quit smoking. I’m a liar. I’m working on it. Quitting lying and quitting smoking, both. I only brought four packs,
though, so I am cutting down. I feel like this is a cool shot, so even though I’m smoking, they probably won’t let you put it on TV, just see if you can work
it in there somehow. (plays harmonica) Exhaling through the harmonica, now that’s classic Tex Montana. (plays melody on harmonica) (wind blowing fiercely) Nighttime. In the wild, in the winter,
is the worst fucking time. (branches snapping) Every sound is a bear. Every other sound is a ghost. Every third sound is a ghost bear. The ghost of that baby bear that I ate. I got a baby bear ghost in
this corner haunting me, I got a mama bear not ghost hunting me, I got a hunting and a haunting coming at me from both sides in the night, how am I supposed to get any sleep? I’m freezing my dick off. I get most of my sleep in the day, at night, I just cry, I cry all night long, it
is horrifying out here. I can’t really imagine what
it’s like to be like a deer. Or a bird or a squirrel or a chipmunk or a raccoon or a bear, they all sleep in the cold, dark night. They just go to sleep, oh,
it’s time to go to sleep in the snow, in the leaves, in the cold. I tell you why they
can probably sleep easy ’cause they don’t know what ghosts are. Ignorance is bliss. That’s a damn true statement. If you don’t know what a ghost is, you have no idea how
terrifying a ghost can be. (somber melody) Testing, testing, one, two. I found a hole. Holes in trees and rocks
are nature’s goodie bags. You can always find something in a hole. What you wanna do is
just kinda willy-nilly stick your hand down in there. See what you can find. Sometimes there’s little
animals asleep in there and can just pull out a whole animal, a chipmunk or something. Oh, shit! Ah, shit! (groaning) My fucking hand is stuck. Oh, this is why you don’t
stick your hand in holes. Never stick your hand in a hole. Humans need water, so most
times they build their villages and their cities on the banks of rivers, so if you find something like this, you follow it, always follow the water, the water finds people. I gotta take a shit. Amanda! Amanda! There’s something about this plant here that should be a warning. Number one, it’s covered in thorns. Anything covered in thorns is
trying to keep predators away. Number two is the color. They are bright cherry red
and what they call these are the Devil’s Tic-Tacs. They call these Nipple Tomatoes, Poisonous Pomegranate
Seeds. Ricin Red Hots, ricin for the poison,
Red Hots for the candy. I don’t know what they call these. The Devil’s Corn. Mexican Death Beans. Fire Beans. Puke Beans. Demon Beans. They call these Raccoon Suicide Pills. Grandma’s Sleeping Pills.
Diarrhea Cherries. Beaver Drugs. They call these Scarlett Johanssons ’cause they’re red hot and dangerous. Now, all that being
said, I’m pretty positive that you can eat these, so I’m gonna have some
later, get me some more. (Tex humming a melody) On frozen pond, no, hold
on, let me do it again. This pond is teeming with fish right now. They think we don’t know they’re there ’cause they’re underneath the water. If there are turtles
in there, they’re dead. Shit! Don’t worry, I got plenty of rocks. This looks like a Megalodon tooth. Ah, I’m a shark from
the prehistoric times. Can you imagine a shark that
big with teeth like that? Shot put! Now I’m getting somewhere. I have seriously underestimated
the density of the ice. Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho. This is getting ridiculous. (Tex groans) I’m getting tired of throwing these rocks. Don’t do this at home. You wanna make sure your branch is sturdy, so you can test the ice. It 100% will not support my weight, okay. It’s nighttime again. ♫ Nighttime again ♫ Nighttime again ♫ It’s nighttime again ♫ Can you make it through
another night, Tex ♫ It’s nighttime again ♫ It’s nighttime again ♫ Can you sing through the whole night ♫ So you don’t have to hear
the sounds of leaves crunching ♫ Of the sticks breaking ♫ Of the bears coming to eat you ♫ La la la la la ♫ La la la la la ♫ La la la la la la la la ♫ It’s nighttime ♫ (Tex whimpering) I wanna go home, I wanna go home. (somber melody) Well, it’s full-on fucking winter now. (suspenseful melody) (wind blowing) (Tex playing the harmonica) ♫ Well I never can (unintelligible mumbling) ♫ (mumbles) when it comes to the night ♫ And the night is the scariest
thing you’ve ever seen ♫ (mumbles) can’t get
through another night ♫ No, you know you can’t ever ♫ Get through a single other night ♫ And if you can’t (mumbling) ♫ (mumbling) everything you wanna say ♫ All I wanna say is (mumbles) ♫ I can’t get through
a single other night ♫ Why didn’t I think of this before? This has everything I need to know, to get out of the wild. How do I know that? ‘Cause I wrote it. This book don’t make no fucking sense. I feel like someone just took
a old book from like the 30s and just stuck it between the
covers with my face on it. I mean, this is ridiculous. The greatest blunders
like the thickest rope are often compounded of
a multitude of strands. That don’t make no fucking sense. What is this? This is a fucking old-timey, old-timey book. (stammering) where’s the picture of me killing a turtle with a hammer? It’s just diagrams with
old drawings from the 50s, who wrote this book? Place your feet next to
your buddy’s stomach, what? I don’t know if it’s working. What’s a bean-hole, a bean-hole? I’m gonna have to eat the book to live. A signal tower, I’m gonna
make a 25 foot signal tower like I got time for that shit. Oh, well, why didn’t I
think of that before? I’ll just build a whole
gigantic fucking signal tower and maybe after I’m done doing that, I’ll just build a home with
heat and running water. An entire, literally six
month, construction job. I mean, what kinda (confused stammering) what is this? This was my last hope. The noose will tighten around
the bird’s feet capturing it. If the weight is too heavy, it
will cut the bird’s feet off, allowing it to escape. I ain’t never built a snare where if it cuts the animal’s
feet off, you did it wrong. Tarantulas are large hairy spiders, what is this a fucking
children’s book, no shit. Amanda, find out whoever
ghostwrote my book, get ’em on the phone and fire ’em. Bats. Despite the legends, bats are a relatively small
hazard to the survivor. What? I got attacked by all the
bats in Mexico one time, all at once, I feel like
they knew I was coming. Plantains, ain’t no
plantains around here, what? Insect bites, what? Be calm when you encounter serpents, what? Yeah, right, what? Oh, then it lists all the snakes like I got time to read snake names. Dangerous lizards, wooo! Centipedes and millipedes. There are several fish
you should not handle, touch, or contact, that
are identified below. The first one, shark. Piranha. PiranHA, piran-ha, is that the
same fish I’m thinking of? Ooh, now this actually, about page 3015, might be the first
useful thing in the book, the keep warm function. That’s something I could use right now. This coffeemaker includes
an adjustable, what? This coffeemaker, what? This coffeemaker, it says
coffeemaker, that’s not a typo. What? This coffeemaker includes an
adjustable keep warm plate. What? To control coffee
temperature after brewing, what is going on right now? Now, is this how you
make coffee in the wild? What, no. Oh, my God, if you think
I’m out of my mind, this is my book, and this is instructions on how to work a coffeemaker. (high-pitched prolonged) What? What? That mama bear’s coming for me. She’s coming for me. She knows I don’t know how
to deal with the nighttime. Her eyes are attuned to the darkness. My eyes are stupid human eyes. I knew I should’ve let that Indian doctor implant my eyes with cat eyes. And my therapists asked me, “Tex, why are you so afraid of the dark?” And I say, “Because when
I was seven years old, “my daddy said, ‘You know the
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?’ “And I said, ‘Yes,’ and he said, “Well, they’re for real
and they will kill you “and they will eat you,
they will put you in a pot, “and they will put all their
martial arts weapons down “and eat a stew made from your body.'” (sad melody) (Tex groaning) Okay, now I think I’m walking in circles ’cause I done seen that tree before, that tree has a big old rotten hole in it that looks like a pussy,
a dirty rotten pussy. Wait, there’s another pussy over there. All these trees got pussies on ’em? Oh, there’s another one,
pussy tree, pussy tree. That looks like a fat, big ol fat pussy on the tree right there. God, how did I never notice
all the tree pussies before? Well, as you can see, it is snowing and it has been snowing for about nine fucking hours straight and I have no idea where
I’m gonna sleep tonight, probably in snow, I’m not quite sure what
I’m gonna eat tonight, but I bet it’s gonna
have a snow-base to it, probably some snow
bouillons into a snow stew and I’ll just fucking
eat snow and drink snow and sleep in snow, I
fucking hate the snow. Come on now, snow? Tex Montana, you gonna
sleep outside in the snow? Give me a break, how
you ever gonna do that? I know what you’re
thinking at home, viewer, on your comfy fucking couch, “Look at Tex Montana,
look how pretty it is, “he’s so lucky to be out in the snow “in the middle of the woods,” fuck you. Fuck you, how dare you
watch this television show? You get up and you come
out here and you get me, someone find me, you
should be ashamed, ashamed, that you are watching me out here, my toes are black, my toes are black, and I am not Forest Whitaker, my toes are not naturally black. (gentle guitar strumming) (backpack rattling) (breathing heavily) I didn’t kill that baby bear. I found it dead already. Why would I lie about something like that? It’s still a perfectly
acceptable survival tool to use, meat that you find, you
don’t have to kill it, it doesn’t make you any better. I hope my television show
bankrupts the network and because the network is bankrupt, the newspaper industry
completely collapses and because there are no more newspapers, there’s no more news and no
one knows what’s going on, and the entire industrial
complex of the United States falls to its knees and
everyone is killing everyone and taking all of their
vegetables and their money, and the money don’t mean nothing no more, and people have like one car, and then suddenly all the cars get stolen by people with guns, and then they’re raping,
everyone’s dogs are getting raped, and then it’s just total anarchy, and then it’s back to the
middle ages for America, all because my show failed,
it was like a chain reaction. Fuck the world, I hope everyone dies. (fire crackling) This is the last of the baby bear meat. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Roast. Roast succulent flesh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Sweet, sweet protein. Tender as the day is long. I am this close to… I’m considering cooking my
own hand and eating it. Luckily, I don’t have to do that just yet. Can you see that? Delicious. (Tex moaning) (Tex humming) ♫ America ♫ America ♫ God shed his grace on thee ♫ Baby bears. Baby bears. If any of y’all wants to get killed, so I can eat you, come on down. Oh, there we go. Always try to… travel with fire, if you got it going, that way you can move
it from place to place. I have been accused of
being a pathological liar. My whole life, as long as I can remember. And I guess I’m starting to see that maybe there is some
merit to that accusation. I mean, I changed my IMDB page to say I was a creative consultant on SyFy channel’s Ice Spiders, and no one ever contradicted it. One guy called me, I think he
was the creative consultant, and I said, “Really, you
wanna go to war over this?” And he backed down. My show… is one big lie. I have never one time in eight seasons started a fire with a traditional woodland method of fire-starting. I always fake it. You know how hard it is to
start a fire with two sticks? Sure, it can be done,
but why would you do it if you have lighters and matches? It doesn’t make any fucking sense. I had a college student explain to me what a bow and arrow was. I didn’t know they were separate things, a bow and an arrow, I thought
the arrow was a bow and arrow. Episode 212, Survival
on the African Plains, I shot on a green screen
at Disney’s Animal Kingdom. I made an unpaid intern dive down to the bottom of a frigid
pond and hold his breath and put a six pound bass on a hook for me. He got hypothermia and
I told him to shut up. I said, “Shut up, you are
doing a good thing here.” My name isn’t even Tex Montana. There you go, there’s a
fucking bombshell for ya. It’s Austin Billings.
Austin a city in Texas, Billings a city in Montana, Tex Montana. I thought it sounded like a
good name for an adventure host. I don’t know if that’s necessarily wrong, Brad Pitt’s name ain’t Brad Pitt. Hey, what’s your name, Brad
Pitt, Tex Montana, same thing. I look as good as him. Austin Billings is a pretty
good name for an adventure host. I’m Austin Billings. Actually, I don’t eve know
why I even fucking changed it. Amanda, don’t you dare. Don’t you dare. This confession is for you. You put that in your pocket and you can take it out at night. A lot of time when you’re in the wilds, you find that you need
some kind of rope or string to do any number of things, fish with, bind the legs of a boar,
and this is something that everybody should have
in their survival kit. It’s a bracelet that when unwound has 10, 15, 20 feet of
rope that you can use for all kinds of survival tricks and let me show ya here if I can just get it unwound. This reminds me of when I used to French-braid my sister’s hair. She had tuberculosis. And there you have it. Well, I realized I didn’t quite need to use that rope just yet,
so I fashioned it into a much uglier bracelet than it started as. (ominous melody) I have learned many things from
the natural world in my time and one of those things that
I have put into practice in recent days is the
strategy of the horse for sleeping standing up. I sleep standing up, so that
I can run at any given moment. My five desert island
discs, Jewel’s Pieces of You. (Tex snoring) (Tex screaming) (slow melody) Amanda has been my editor and confidante over eight
seasons of my television show. I trust her implicitly because she knows that if she does not cut around all of the moments that
make me look like a fool, she is fucking fired, she
is out of a fucking job, and I think that is a very productive way to handle your employees and it has worked thus far. Amanda is also my
frequent nighttime liaison and we do things that you cannot put on my television program. Butt pleasures, lots of licking of all
the parts of the body, things that she is
embarrassed to talk about because I am her boss. She knows exactly how I want
to be portrayed on television. She also knows how to make
me cum in four minutes using three fingers, her
mouth, and one of her feet, it is a technique that I taught her, I drew her a picture of
it and I said, “Do this. “No, put your hand like this,
that foot there, yeah, that foot up. “Now, your mouth.” It’s like playing a very
complicated Indian instrument. That’s how she plays me. And she knows if she doesn’t
do that, she’s fired. I really don’t wanna believe it, but I get a sneaking suspicion that Amanda might be
behind the Youtube videos that have forced me
into this death mission to protect my reputation and I swear to God, Amanda,
if I find out it was you, I will kill you with a gun. I will fucking kill you, I swear to God. I will fucking come to your house, your brownstone in fucking Manhattan, I will knock on your door, you will think I am there
for that footjob technique, and I will blow your
fucking head off your neck. I will shoot you to death. I will spend the rest
of my life in prison, it’s no worse than out here. It will be worth it for you to be dead if I find out that you
have done this to me. Now, if it’s not you, I apologize
for threatening your life. I would never hurt you. Amanda. I love you. No, I don’t, I’m just kidding. That’s a mean joke, I’m sorry. (slow suspenseful melody) I think I may be having a minor stroke or what is happening is my eye is trying to tell me
something using Morse code. I’ve almost been able
to pick out a pattern, it’s like short short short
long long short short short long short short, my eye does not know that I do not know Morse code. Tex Montana, Gun Ninja, hya! Bang bang, bang, karate ninja. Evil don’t stand a
chance, coming this fall. What’s in the box? Hey! What’s in the box? You shut your fucking mouth. Oh, what’s in the box? Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, is it Gwyneth
Paltrow’s head in the box? I heard of people shooting
themselves in the head like this and they survive. And this way is better than the temple, but even still, a bullet
can ricochet off a tooth and go right out the side of your head. This tends to be the
best way to ensure death because it’s most likely
gonna go right through the soft tissue of the
palette and into the brain. Just so you know, The More You Know. (Tex screaming) Just do it, Tex. (muffled) This would make some
good television right here if I just fucking pull
this trigger right now. (screams) I’ll just do it later. (birds chirping) (person shuffling through snow) (music playing) – Hey, we’re going to a topless
pig roast, do you wanna come? – Sure. – Show us your dick. – Yeah. – [Man] You mean, this dick? (woman laughing) – Yeah, get in, get in. – I am well and truly lost. (whimpering) I’m lost. (mumbling) Now, I was told before I came out here that there’s a particular
breed of night snow-turtle that comes around in
these kinda weeds at night and you can pop their shell off and just eat ’em like a popcorn bucket, so I’m trying to find this
particular night turtle ’cause if I keep my mind on something, then I won’t freak out about how dark and scary it is out here. I think this might be a plant, it might be a claw of some kinda creature, and I don’t want you to just, I just, can I plead for my life, please? Creature of the night,
don’t strike me down. Hey. Can you… Can you call my… Can you call my friends and
tell them to come get me? Can you even see me? Is anybody even there? Is anybody even there? (birds chirping) I feel like I’m on Jupiter right now. (dramatic intense music) Before I came out here, one of the locals, he taught me a real fancy trick, when you’re walking around and you notice this plant over here, it just looks like an
innocuous snow plant, but note the Y shape, the Y shape, this is what’s known as the Yoo-Hoo shrub, and the root bulb of
this plant is a delicacy and it holds all sorts of
hydration and vitamin D, so what you wanna do is just
dig around down in there and see if you can’t uproot. Look at that. Oh, right there. That’s a delicious Yoo-Hoo. Oh-ho-ho-ho, oh, what a treat, what a special, special treat. (gargling) The Yoo-Hoo shrub. And now, you can plant this
and another one will grow. (fast-paced melody) I found the GPS device. (gibberish) Now, maybe (gibberish). Now, maybe (gibberish). Now, maybe (gibberish). Now, maybe with the satellites
and the (gibberish). Now, maybe (gibberish). Now, maybe (gibberish). Now, maybe (gibberish) to find me now. Well, I saw some footprints
coming out of there, little bitty footprints,
so I remember what a drunk 17 year old Cherokee boy
named Mitchell told me, how to make a drop-trap. Well, this is a simple drop-trap like this and then you wanna… and then if you go in… And then if you put like
a thing like this here and then another one of them like this and then if you (stammering) when it comes down and comes and comes and goes (humming) Maybe, now (gibberish).
(repeated gibberish) (river running) (lonely melody) I am lost. And I’ve been lost for God knows how long, but I’m starting to think that maybe… Maybe I’ve been lost my whole life. I thought I could do this. I really thought I could prove to my detractors that
I’m strong and capable, but I’m just trying to prove
to myself that I’m not a fraud, that I’m not a phony, I’m not a liar. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned since I’ve been out here is
that I am all of those things. I’m just an actor. I’m a fucking actor. I auditioned for this role. My name ain’t even Austin
Billings, it’s Evan Parmalee. I have a stage name for my stage name. I’m so fucking cold. I’m so cold and I’m so hungry,
I haven’t eaten in two days. My grandma always used to say, “God never gives us more
than we can handle.” I think he might’ve
overestimated me on this one. I just wanna say I’m sorry to my fans, to the people who trust me, if I’ve led you astray. Amanda. I’ve been such a fucking asshole to you, I know I have, I’m so sorry. You’ve been so good to me. And I got one more
bombshell for you, darling. It’s a big one. A lie I have kept up for
ten years even off camera. I can’t, I can’t even say it. (breathing heavily) I don’t even have an accent. My name’s Evan Parmalee, I’m
from Jacksonville, Florida. There you go. You know, maybe the reason I
can’t get out of these woods is because Tex Montana
has no will to survive, Tex Montana is a liar
and a fraud and a fake. But Tex Montana dies today. I’m leaving all this shit behind me. Evan Parmalee is getting
out of these woods. I’m coming home. Wait, wait, wait, wait,
hold on, hold on, hold on, fuck that, fuck that,
forget I said that shit. Oh, my God. What was I fucking thinking? I’m nobody if I’m not Tex Montana. No, no, no, no, fuck that shit. No, no, Amanda, don’t
you even fucking think about telling anybody what I just said. You know what, fuck that, I’m
just gonna delete that later. Tex Montana will survive. Tex is gonna get out of these woods. Oh, I’m woozy, whoo! All right, Tex Montana
is gonna get out of here, I just gotta take a, I just
gotta take a quick nap. Just a little nap and then
I’m gonna get out of here. I just gotta get, just. I just gotta lay down for a minute, whoo. Then we’re gonna go home,
we’re gonna go home, Tex. ♫ Oh, this old life ♫ This old life ♫ Oh, this old life ♫ This old life ♫ Oh, this old life ♫ This old life ♫ Oh, this old life ♫ This old life ♫ Oh, we are wonderful animals ♫ Blessed with thoughts
that drive us insane ♫ And means to compensate, the means to create ♫ And heaps of hard
working words to correlate ♫ Oh, this old life ♫ This old life ♫ Oh, this old life ♫ This old life ♫ Oh, this old life ♫ This old life (sad melody)

100 thoughts on “Tex Montana Will Survive! – FULL MOVIE – FREE”

  1. Congratulations guys, you seriously fucking did it! Yee haw! I'll be watching it with friends and drinks tonight. Thanks for all the hard work.

  2. Funny shit, guys. Like Kenny Powers from Eastbound and Down transplanted into Cast Away or something. Lots of fun. Really impressed at what you did with only one character over the course of a whole film. That's a tough exercise in minimalistic writing. Glad to have contributed. I'll look forward to whatever you do next.

  3. Now you owe it to yourself to see "The Battery"! Equally awesome in it's own right. These guys are genius, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a puzzle, wrapped inside a fortune cookie good….

  4. This is amazing. Proud to be a contributor! Everyone should go watch The Battery too! One of my fave indie films of all time.

  5. Awesome movie guys congrats 🙂 can't wait to see what comes in Tex's sack. A funny spin- off/sequel idea could have Tex and a baby bear taking a road trip "Every which way but loose style", just a thought.

  6. I was a big big fan of The Battery and bought buckets of merchandise to help support. I was so looking forward to the next one. Sorry to say guys, I was really disappointed with Tex Montana. Didnt have nearly as good a script as the Battery. Good luck with the next one. I'll be waiting in line. I'm still a fan!

  7. I wanted to start this off by saying, I am a big fan of The Battery. I think it is one of the best independent horror films to come out in the past 10 years. I am continually singing its praises to friends and encouraging them to go out and buy a copy. When I saw the creators of The Battery were making another movie, I was ecstatic. Not only were these independent film makers making another movie after knocking it out of the park with their first outing, they are also trying to revolutionize how movies are released. It seemed like a win-win.
    Now before I touch on Tex Montana, I would like to talk about it's release. I couldn't support you guys more in that effort. It's outrageous how independent filmmakers get screwed over financially for all of their hard work. Take The Battery for example. While not a commercial success by any means, it made a big splash in the horror community. So much so in fact, it got picked up by arguably the biggest name in horror DVD/BD distribution. With a movie being released on Scream Factory and the fan support it had, you would figure you guys at least made a years worth of salary off that movie. It truly blows my mind that you guys got so screwed on such a quality film that really showed how passionate you two are about film making.
    Onto Tex Montana. I wanted to like this movie so badly, it had everything going for it. After viewing it last night, the only feeling I am left with is disappointment. The end result of Tex Montana Will Survive! is just a bunch of footage of a person walking through the woods improving lines. Little backstory is given about our hapless protagonist before we are thrown into the woods alone with him.
    Watching Tex fall deeper and deeper into madness wasn't nearly as satisfying or as funny as i thought it would be. To be truthful, almost all of the comedy in this movie fell flat for me. The only exception being some of the night shots of Tex freaking out in the woods. There is nothing really to like about the character when the only thing he has going for him (his humor) keeps falling short time and time again. I kept waiting for something to happen in the film, and nothing really does. There was just nothing about Tex that made his personality, or his descent into madness all that entertaining. The movie seemed to just drag out for 80 minutes or so and then just kind of end. The big question was Will Tex Montana Survive? About 40 minutes into the movie and I stop caring if he did or not.
    In all, I can't help but feel let down by this movie. It's hard for me to say that being such a fan of The Battery and the way you guys went about releasing this. I felt due to those two things, I owed you a longer explanation and break down of why I didn't enjoy the film. This is just one horror fans opinion of your movie, and from what I can tell I certainly don't speak for everyone. I highly encourage you guys to stay the course, and truly look forward to future projects you may be working on.

  8. I am so in love with your movies. I was hysterical the entire movie, my ribcage feels like I dropped acid. I am so impressed with you guys doing a comedy you are so diverse. I loved the battery, please please please do a sequel to it…I also predict Jeremy will be on people magazines sexiest man alive in the coming years…

  9. Exellent work! Your's ''The Battery'', is one of the best independent zombie movie ever made.

    Greetings from Serbia!

  10. This was an amazing movie! Thank you for making something for us survival lovers! its not a genre that usually has comedy in it so this was an awesome break!

  11. This is absolutely amazing! As someone who is learning primitive survival skills and documenting it on youtube, Tex Montana is my new role model. The Battery was an amazing film but this is a step above.

  12. If you watch all the survival shows like I do(Dual Survival, Survivorman, Bear Grylls) then you'll find this movie pretty hysterical.

    If you're looking for a sequel to the Battery you're not gonna like it. I wasn't a huge fan of the first flick–not bagging on it, just seemed slow to me but I know the limitations of no budget filmmaking–so I was really pleasantly surprised with this. Also, dude's a really good actor. Better than I thought.

  13. Awesome, awesome, awesome! Great follow up to "The Battery", and proves these guys can make a just as good of a movie with even less money spent. Smart, well acted, and very funny. Cheers, gentlemen, to you and your wonderful film!

  14. Так Джереми, начал смотреть. Пока клево. Только я накурен немного, так что не знаю

  15. "I have climbed to the summit of Mt Everest….in a simulator I developed with Ubisoft in Montreal".
    This movie cracks me up, I love it.

  16. Jeremy Gardner, you are a wonderful actor to watch. Saw The Battery years ago and it had been my inspiration for indie film-making since. If you keep em comin'…I'll keep on watchin'.

  17. Thanks for the free movie. Laughed my ass off with those Night Time records. Great stuff. Looking forward to your next project.

  18. Amazing film, amazing actor, amazing everything. I wish nothing but the absolute best for the cast and crew of Tex Montana!!!!

  19. Wirklich gut gemacht! Mit einfachen Mitteln so eine Humorgranate zu zünden 😀 Ich hoffe da kommt bald noch mehr! Very good Mr. Montana 😉

  20. I watched the movie The Battery at the horror film festival MotelX in Lisbon and loved it, one of the most original zombies movies. Now I found Tex Montana Will Survive! and this team did not disappoint. Again with few resources, but a lot of talent, they made a hilarious comedy. This team deserves all the recognition and opportunity in the film industry.

  21. this movie needs an ad campain. this is a gem. I love this movie. I wish more people knew about it. I love found footage movies. The comedy genre takes the cake.

  22. Thanks so much, this is terrific! I love all your work – The Robert Cake is like my new favorite film and The Battery is AMAZING. Keep it up, I can't wait to see what you make next!

  23. This movie is about a wealthy idiot bragging of how he accumulated his riches profiting from white privilege, and duping others. What's more its not funny, so there inlays the irony.

  24. big huge fan of the battery. happy to say puchased my dvd at walmart. love this movie too.keep it up. fuck money money sucks

  25. I know this has been out a while, but you absolutely killed it, and independent film is saving my life right now. Between this and What We Do In the Shadows, I feel hopeful for the craft again. Even when I made a couple of parody videos about this parody, you were nice enough to comment on them, even though you took them literally lol. This is everything that is right with creativity when studios are not involved. Thank you, and if you do another movie, I want to be in on it. I mean, I will contribute and all, but I want to be IN IT, lol. I do a mean Tex Montana. Maybe I could be his brother: Sex Montana.

  26. Absolutely amazing. Jeremy, you’re a damn funny guy (and a refreshing director)! This is legit wit. Christian Stella’s super. You guys are both meant for some tremendous stuff. I feel it—in my baby bear bones. Big fan of The Battery, too. Keep creating.

  27. I just saw The Battery! Loved it original! Now this Ted Montana, gongas and all, my baby bear bones, shook with laughter😂 Keep up the good artist work. Original and talented! Bravo! I'm going to tell my friends about your independent films!! Yes I support you guys! PS, sorry Amanda Tex didn't make it! Lol 😇

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